Pornography Addiction

The Amigo doesn't like me looking at Pornography.

It's no secret that I have trouble cumming with Amigo.

Although it feels great, fucking just does not get me off.  Not usually anyway.

Thinking back, fucking has not always been a sure fire way for me to cum.  Back to my first real girlfriend, when I was 17.

She was my first.  I was her first (or so she told me).

I remember one night, in the back of my Mom's car, in the parking lot of a a grocery store, pounding away until her pussy dried out, and even though I finally orgasmed, I'm sure I caused her some discomfort and I ended up with an abrasion on my penis, because I refused to give up, even after rubbing us both raw.

I guess it comes as no surprise, that I have trouble now, as a 52 year old guy, cumming while fucking my Amigos very wonderful butt.

He finally told me he doesn't like me looking at porn.  I told him I'd been doing it for years.  Decades!  He expected me to drop it, just like that?

In his thick Mexican accent, he said, "Ok, you were doing it for a long time, but now you have someone real.  You don't need it anymore.  It makes me feel sad that you looking at pornography and still you not cumming with me.  I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me."

I totally agreed with him.  He does deserve that.  I told him so, and I meant it.  If I'm not that guy, then so be it.

But, I have no intention of giving up porn.  I understand his concern.  I guess it would be natural to come to those conclusions, but for me it's much more complicated. I will admit and concede that porn is an addiction.  I know it's epidemic and it's a problem, especially now that it's soooooo available in today's anonymous internet world.

And, still.  I love it.  Maybe this is what smokers feel like about their cigarettes.

I have no idea whether porn has an effect on our sex life, and my ability to cum with him.  I do know (or at least I think I know) that quitting porn cold turkey would have little or no effect on me being able to cum with him.  I'm willing to give it a try if we get to a point where daily sex with him is an option.  Right now, with our "weekend only" dating schedule, it's out of the question.

Here's a couple things that came out of this weekend's discussions:

I told Amigo that I would quit looking at porn, for the remainder of the day, once I cum.  Whether that be by fucking or blow job.  He doesn't really like blowing me, because it requires 10-15 minutes of sucking for me, in order for me to cum, but, it's a pretty sure fire way to do it.  And, even though he doesn't love to blow me, he gives awesome head.  ;)

So, I think, in theory anyway,  we will fuck, which pleasures him, (there is NO question about that) and if it fails to make me cum, he will blow me.......after a sufficient cock washing, which I totally understand.  (sometimes the technical aspect of gay sex is sooooo inconvenient!)

The happy ending to this post, is, this morning, I woke up, had my coffee, looked at e-mails, some porn, and then went to the gym, as the Amigo slept.  Pretty normal stuff.

When I returned, he was waiting for me, and when I went into the bedroom, the bed was covered with the "fuck blanket."  There was lube and some small towels standing by.  His way of taking charge and initiating coitus.

And, although it didn't happen on the first pass, I did manage to cum while fucking, then he got himself off shortly thereafter.

Our 5-night-in-a-row extravaganza ended on quite a happy note.

Sorry for rambling.  I've had a few beers (how strange) and needed to vent.

I hope this isn't too pedestrian, but this relationship stuff is as new to me as the hook up stuff was just a few short years ago.  It's probably a walk in the park for the rest of you!

This pic has nothing to do with anything, except:
It looks an awful lot like a friend/acquaintance
of mine, an he was (in my opinion) quite accurately
described as a "hot nerd."

I'm such a dork.

Amigo came over Tueday night.  I'm off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving through the week end.  Woo Hoo!

It was early evening and I went for the boner pill, as soon as I got home.  Amigo was already here waiting for me.

We cuddled on the couch for a bit, and started getting frisky.  I thought I would be spontaneous and I pulled down Amigos pants and blew him in the living room, then I pulled him up and bent him over the couch as I lowered my own Levis, and boxers.

"You don't want to go up to the bed?"  Amigo questioned?

"Be quite and get ready to get fucked,"  I growled in mock bravado.

I ran to the dark kitchen and grabbed the olive oil, like I'd done once before.   A good ol' impromptu fuck.  No romance.  No warning.  Animalistic.

Amigo was just as I left him.  Bent over the couch.  Jeans around his ankles.  Waiting for the initial puncture.

I poured a little oil from the bottle into his crack.  It's less viscous than lube for sure.  What the heck.  I worked some in with a finger.

What's going on?  This isn't slippery at all.  What's that smell?

Shit!  That's not the olive oil!  It's the rice wine vinegar!

Oh god.  Mood spoiled.  Much laughter.

And I wasn't in the mood for tossed salad anyway.

El fin de semana sin Amigo.

Sorry not to much to report here.

Back when I first started reading blogs and then starting one of my own, I had two pet peeves.  Bloggers that would suddenly disappear,  (I won't name names) and bloggers that would get post an entry saying they had nothing to say.

Now I see the conundrum.

If I have nothing new to report, perhaps I should just disappear?

Well, at least an update is in order.

Amigo seems just as smitten with me as ever.  He got a little "moody" when he offered to spend all of next week at my house, because he had the whole week off from work and school.  He even offered to sleep in my tiny guest room Sunday and Monday night so I wold get a good night's rest, because, unlike him I do have to work on Monday and Tuesday.

I declined the offer, but said I would like him to come Tuesday night, and he could spend the rest of the week.

I got the silent treatment for a day.

Then, I asked if he could come last Friday night and spend the weekend.  He had to work early Saturday morning, and had another function that evening.  He could have spent Sunday here, but alas, Utah's public transportation system is almost non-functioning on the Sabbath,  and he would have spend 4 hours traveling here and back to spend a couple hours here.

Yes, I could have driven there.  I could have picked him up, but gee whiz.  We're going to spend over 4 whole days together, starting Tuesday night, so why bother?

As it turns out, he came up on the train Friday night, was waiting in the house when I got home from work, and I took him back to the train at 6:AM Saturday morning, so he could get to work.

I've been on my own basically since I moved out of my Mom's house at age 18.  I've never had a live in romantic interest, neither male nor female.  Honestly, I like being alone, and I'm worried I'll have trouble with this adjustment, if it works out.

But, I'm determined to cross that bridge when I burn it.

I'm constantly surprising myself anyway.

I had no idea that cuddling on the couch, or napping with Amigo would be so damn enjoyable!

So, that's my life for now.

Okay.  There's a little more:

Since Amigo wasn't around, most of the weekend,  I went looking for a hookup.  I even posted an ad on Craigslist yesterday.  I got a few interested flakes, but found no one to blow me and I ended up jacking off to some great internet porn.

This morning, I left Grindr on for hours and hours and barely got a nibble.  I responded to a few CL posts, but got nothing.  Again, I jerked off, and then I was fine.

What's this mean?  I don't' know.  I'm doing what I can.  What I know.

By the way, Amigo and I haven't made any sort of monogamy agreement, although I would be totally shocked to find out if he was getting any on the side.  He's always calling me "his man." and he has some other choice nick names for me. (maybe one day, I'll share)

Our feelings for each other are a bit lopsided.  I'm hanging in there, and time will tell if my feelings for him grow stronger.  He deserves better, I know.

Maybe some day I will be better.

A photo we took of the sunset at the Great Salt Lake a couple of weeks ago.

What have I become.

Sorry for the ramblings here readers.  This is not the kind of hook up stuff you have been coming here for.

I'm a little lost.

I don't know where this boyfriend thing is taking me.  This is uncharted territory.  I'm like a cat, chasing a mouse, and once I've snatched it, I don't know what to do with it.

I was certainly expecting this all to end before it got this far.

I like the new Amigo, and I certainly like that he is so smitten with me, although I can't really figure out why.  I'm also worried where it might all lead.  What if I start to have feelings for him like he has for me?

One problem we would face is a matter of Citizenship.  Amigo in not an American Citizen. He's here on a Student Visa.  I'm not sure what his plans are when he finishes school.  Well, I've asked him, and he hasn't given me a real answer, or at least one I understand.  We still have some communication issues.

Although I don't think he's seeing me because he wants a green card though marriage, I'm sure it wold thrill him to no end to get married.  Hell, I'm not even out of the closet, yet alone put something like marriage on the table.  Speaking of being in the closet, I think this is the first time I've admitted that!  Until now, I've just been a horny guy that likes dick!

Oh God.  I just have so many concerns about all of this.

I'm tired of the charade.  Every weekend I have a conversation with my Father in San Diego on Saturday, and then Sunday is my Mom's turn.  She also lives in California.

For the last two months, Amigo sits patiently and quietly, with his laptop, while I have chats with my folks.  It would be nice if they knew Amigo was here.  It would be nice to let them know I have a friend here that loves me and wants me to dick him again, and please cut the conversation short because there are a couple horny guys that want to get it on.

Okay, they don't need to know that.  But I have told two friends about me.  Both are women and both love me unconditionally, and both are very happy for me.  They both live far away, one in Iowa and one in Germany.  I Skype my friend in Germany most every week, and she is always happy to say Hi to Amigo.  She now refers to him as "your boyfriend".  It sounds so very strange to me.

I've even had thoughts of "coming out" to my parents this Holiday Season, when I'm there this year.

I really don't want to, but I don't think there will be any repercussions, except that the cat will be out of the bag, so to speak, and the family will be free to gossip.

Thanks for reading....if in fact you've read this far.  Not very steamy stuff, I know.

And speaking of steamy stuff....

I have lost some of my desire for hooking up.  I still look at Craigslist and Grindr.  But, I find myself not responding to them.  I'm worried about bringing something nasty back to Amigo.  It was a risk I was willing to take when I was just on my own.

That's not to say I have been exclusive with Amigo.  I have been with two regulars since meeting Amigo.  There's another regular I would love to get with, but he's a businessman that only makes it to town once a month or so, and he didn't make it here last month.  When he comes, I'll get with him, if at all possible.

So, for now, I'm pushing my fears down.  I'm resisting the urge to fuck things up with Amigo, just to cut him loose.  I'm going to enjoy the ride, and take my lumps as they come in the future.

I just hope I don't hurt too much.

Still trouble with cummng

Good Morning Diary.

The Amigo once again is here.  He's back in bed.  I say "back" although he never really left.  He was all over me last night.  Not in a bad way, but he was curled up to me the entire night.

This morning as we were waking and drifting back to sleep, he went for my dick.  I know what he wants.

I'm plenty hard.  Morning wood helps.  We fuck for a good twenty minutes until I start to go soft and my back muscles get tired.  It feels great the entire time, and yet, the "switch" never gets flipped.

It seems totally random as to when I will cum or not cum.  There is no cause and effect.  It's just Russian Roulette with my poorly loaded gun.

It feels nice though.  Good.  Great in fact!

One advantage to not cumming is that Amigo will get fucked again this morning, and then this afternoon if that doesn't work out.

And don't worry that I'm overly concerned about HIS pleasure.  He likes it.  Loves it.  Needs it!  So I'm not worried there.  I'm focusing on me.  I want this more than him.

At least I think I do.

Update.  2 hours later, we're at it again.  At first its a failure, but I don't go totally soft so I keep trying.  We switch positions, and then, for no reason what so ever, I know it's going to happen and BAM.  We're both happy.

Frustration

Things are going pretty good with the Amigo.  Even the fucking is good, and Amigo LOVES me to fuck him.

He is now relaxed and lets me push inside, with little or no fingering or loosening up.  And I like it too.  His ass feels so nice, and it just feels great.

Why is it that my body betrays me and I don't orgasm?

I fuck and fuck and fuck, until my dick goes limp, or, if I've take 25 mg or my little blue friend, I fuck and fuck and fuck until my back muscles are just plain worn out.  And still, I do not cum.  Usually I don't even get close.

Grrrr.  So frustrating.  For both of us.

Amigo wants me to cum, so bad, and of course I want to as well.

If I look back through my history, I've had trouble with cumming, even with girls.  I lost my virginity when I was 17 with my first ever girlfriend Tina.  We used the "pull out" method the first few times, and then a pregnancy scare forced us to use condoms.  That totally killed it for me, and I even used male fantasy to help me achieve orgasm.

My last girlfriend, when I was in my late 20s, I could fuck and fuck and fuck too, and not cum.  The poor girl.  I remember her having to put a cool damp washcloth on her pussy one night, after I just kept pounding away, trying to cum.

So, yah, I know I have a problem, but I don't know how to solve it.  I guess I'll just keep trying different things.  We're both getting pleasure for sure, but it's kind of like working at a job you love, but never receiving a paycheck.

http://youtu.be/yidiSX2fwgo

Thanks for the shout-out Buddy Bear.

If you've stumbled upon my blog, from Buddy Bear's, then welcome!

The truth is, the last few posts make for dull hum-drum reading.   I've recently cut way down on hooking up, so there's been nothing too exciting to blog about.

Instead, read a couple of posts from my beginning, where hooking up was fresh and new and I was as giddy as a school girl in a candy store.  I think I'm incorrectly mixing my metaphors
here, but you get the idea.

So, use the archive to the right, and read from the beginning, or, just click here.

Thanks for stopping by.

Jack.

Me, 5 years and 10 lbs ago.  I was too
skinny anyway.  By the way, holding
one's arms  over one's head makes
one's beer belly look flat.