The cat is out of the bag.

 Well, I did it and it went just like planned.  I even knew when I would break the news.  After we had ordered, but before the food arrived.

I was nervous, but knew I would go through with it.  In fact, I couldn't wait for the time to come, so I could get it over with.  I'm not a procrastinator by nature anyway.

"I have something to tell you both........."

When I was finished, my Dad said, "Well, Okay.  anything else?"

Mom lit up and said, "I'm so happy for you, what's his name?"

We talked about it for a few minutes then Dad said, "Is that turkey bacon any good?" and we proceed to talk about other stuff.  It was all very....um .....anti-climatic.

And, that's a good thing.  Although I thought I was dropping a bomb, it turned out to barely be a water balloon.

I asked them if they knew, or suspected.  Mom said sure, she suspected, but just figured I was asexual.  If she only knew!  I don't think I'm going to let her in on THAT secret and show her my tally sheet.

Dad said friends had asked him before if I was gay or something, but he said he just didn't know.

On the drive home, I called my sister and told her.  I was hoping she would join us for breakfast, but she had to work.  Her reaction was also positive, although she was a little put off that I could find a boyfriend, and she can't.

Once we arrived at my Mom's house, I decided to let Amigo know what I had done, and let my Mom say hi to him, so I used Facetime and we all had a little chat.

So many damn "cat/bag" photos to choose
from on the internet.

Amigo is happy for me too.  Unfortunately, he's a bid sad for himself, being all alone, classes out for the holiday, and work shut down, no family around and I'm 700 miles away.  He would have loved to come on this trip with me.  He asked if he could come,
but, at the time, the cat was still in the bag, and really, it's still too early in our experimental romance to be undertaking a 3 week vacation together.

Thanks for all of the comments and e-mails.  I found that very comforting and helpful.

I'm not sure what's next for Ol' Jack, but I'll keep you posted.

I may be dying

Jack my be dying.  A little at a time, and that's not a bad thing.

You see, my name isn't really Jack.  Jack is the gay guy that lives inside of me.  I suspect there are a lot of Jacks that read my blog.

Jack did all of the fun stuff that I secretly wanted to try.  Jack had all the adventures and hookups, but when it came to romance, well, the line between Jack and myself got a little fuzzy.

A year and a half ago, when I was on a houseboat, on Lake Powell, with a group of gay guys, it was me that got flirted with.  I got hit on by a handsome compact Latino man, and it was me who finally accepted that I could give this thing a try.  I dipped my foot in the romance pool and tested the waters, and guess what?  I liked it.

I'm in California, visiting my parents.  They've been divorced since I was 16, but now, both re-marred we are all in the same city, for a short time for the purpose of a holiday family get together.  I've been at Dad's for a week and a half, and tomorrow morning, we'll all have breakfast together, and Dad will hand me off to Mom, and we'll drive back to her house.

This is when I plan to tell them.

That's the plan at least.

Tell them what?  You know.  It's hard for me to even get the words out.  I'm pretty sure I have the courage, and I've been practicing it in my head.

"Hey, I've been wanting to tell you something.  For a couple months, I've been dating someone, and that someone is another guy."

That's all I have planned for now.  I'm hoping that will crack the door open for a dialog.

I've known for awhile that the time was right for sharing my secret with my parents.  I can't hide it any longer with out being truly deceitful and out right lying.  Not with my Amigo spending weekends at my house.

I don't really want to do this, but it's going to be easier than hiding it the rest of their lives.  I know that things won't really change between us.  Luckily my parents are not like that.  I'm a little ashamed that a 52 year old guy is struggling with the courage to tell his parents a simple truth about himself.

Myself.

So, my faithful blog readers, wish me luck.  Wish me courage.  It's been great to open up to you guys and have you along with me on my journey.

This may be the beginning of the end for Jack, but who knows, maybe I'll pick up where ol Jack left off.

Happy Holidays

Hi Everyone.  Here's a boring update about my situation.

My work project ended last week, and the Amigo came Thursday night and spent the night.  He went back to school Friday, but returned Friday night and spent the entire weekend here.  That seems to be the new norm.  He even returned Monday night, so that's 5 nights in a row I had my cuddle buddy in the bed.

Sleeping with someone else is new for me.  I've spent 51 years sleeping alone.  It's an adjustment, but so far I like it.  I have been thinking a lot about getting a new bed.  It's time.  My old one is at least 20 years old.  It's a full size bed, and not really built for two grown men, even if we're both smaller framed guys.  And it squeaks.  Especially under "extreme" circumstances, which occur frequently when Amigo is around.

I still have difficulty achieving orgasm when having sex.  The amigo is getting better at giving me a nice BJ when I fail.  I love that.  Once however, things still didn't happen for me, and the Amigo gave up after 14 minutes of blowing me.  Last Sunday however, he got on his knees, and I watched some internet porn and he gave me an A+ hoover job.  Man, that was nice.

I can usually get him off with a hand job (something that holds little interest when done to me) in just a few minutes.  He doesn't seem much interested in his own orgasm, but since it's important to me, he allows it to happen.

The next test of our "friendship" is about to occur.

I'm leaving town for three weeks, to visit my parents in Southern California.

I feel bad because Amigo is stuck here.  He's a starving student.  He works at the University, part time to earn money for his tuition.  He's only allowed to work part time.

It's finals week right now, so he's busy with that, but after this week, there is no school.  That means no classes for Amigo, and no work.  He has a 2 or 3 week break with nothing to do, and I'm going to be gone as well.

I am in the middle of composing a long e-mail to tell the Amigo how I feel about our lopsided relationship.  I find face to face communication difficult.  There are so many thoughts running through my head that I want to share, but I can't seem to organize them into words.  It doesn't help that my thoughts and feelings are conflicted.

I'm enjoying the boyfriend experience, but I miss the hookup scene too.  I like being with Amigo, but I like my alone time as well.  I'm not "out" to anyone, so we keep our romance contained to inside the house.  Is that the life I want to have?

I want to wait to send my e-mail to Amigo.  His last final is Thursday.  The same day that I leave town.  I don't want to add any more stress to his life until after his finals.

I spent a couple hours trying to organize and jot down my thought last night.  It didn't help that I was swilling beer.  Or did it?  I'm less reserved while a little tipsy, that's for sure.  I'll take another crack at it today.

As for my extracurricular activities, I've cut way down on hooking up since the Amigo and I have started dating.  Only one NSA hookup, last weekend while he was away.  Unfortunately, I can't say my intentions have been strictly pure.

I still check out Craigslist and Grindr.  I've tried to put together hookups, but they have fallen through.  I'm no angel, that's for sure.  I'm not even sure I want to be.

I think the time apart will be good.  It may give us both valuable reflection time.

Wish me luck, and Happy Holidays everyone.

Amigo and I checking out the lights at Temple Square

Dude 442. Nice NSA morning head.

I guess this post should be more about why I hooked up this morning.

And, should I feel guilty?  If not, why?

The Amigo is out of town.  We knew we couldn't be together this weekend.  I've been jacking off almost daily, mostly because I have time but also, because I knew Amigo wasn't going to be around, and so I had nothing to "save up" for.

First.  The hookup.  Let's get that out of the way.  Then I'll deal with the shame, or guilt, or lack of it.

It's Saturday.  I woke up and looked at porn and drank my coffee, just like every other morning.  Then, I hit the gym.  I turned on Grindr, for two reasons.  To see if the handsome twenty-something hairy otter kid had sent me a message, (we've been messaging for weeks) and secondly, when I'm at the gym, I'm in somewhat new territory, so I might appear to some to be fresh meat.  It's fun to get hit on, even if I have no intentions of getting together.

Did I have intentions of getting together?

Well, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else for coffee, or a beer.

The romantic, emotional void that I had is totally fulfilled by Amigo.  He's not everything I had hoped for, but he's pretty good and I certainly don't have a desire to look for something else along those lines right now.

Sexually, well, I'm still horny.

I'm trying to figure out all that part as well.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be sexually satisfied by one guy again.  I was alone and celibate for so long.  Then, bam, I discovered the NSA hook up and I was like a kid in a candy store.....for the last 6 years!

And, then just as quickly, bam!  I start dating Amigo, and the hookups cease.

I'm still figuring it out.

But where was I?  Oh yah, back to this morning's hookup.

So, I have Grindr on, and a 21 year old Latino kid hits me up.  Very polite, and he exchange pleasantries, then he says "What are you up to this morning."

I told him I was looking for some dick to suck.  He said "I'm looking for the same."

Well, how much easier could it have been?  I'm horny and there's a handsome 21 year old Latino boy who's offering to suck my cock.  We exchange a few more details; He's STD free, he's HIV negative, He'll let me cum in his mouth, and he's free now.  He even wants me to come now instead of taking a shower first, knowing I'm coming from the gym.

So, I show up at a nice house on the east side of SLC.  He's got a room in the basement.  I get the idea he's some kind of exchange student or something, and we chat a little about that.

His profile doesn't give many stats, but had a nice picture of him.  In person, he's not nearly as tall as I thought, maybe 5'4".  He's about 150 or 160, so not fat, but not skinny.  From his photo, I didn't expect that he was slender anyway.

Once in his room I quickly shuck my sweatpants, gym shorts and Dr. Suess Grinch boxer shorts.

He gives a pretty good BJ.  I'd give it a 7 out of 10.  He want's to kiss, but I decline.

"Why?"  he asks.

I lie and tell him I don't like kissing guys.

"But you let them suck your dick?" he asks.

Truth is, I'm still a bit old fashioned about kissing.  To me, kissing is romance.  It's attraction.  It's affection.  It's not part of NSA sex.  NSA sex, to me is all about the sucking or the fucking.

That's not to say, I haven't been caught up in the heat of NSA sex, and been all fired up and sucked into a passionate fiery mack session, because I surely have.

I told the kid he could kiss my neck if he wanted, and indeed he did.  He gave me great head.  He pulled my shirt off, and and lay on top of me and kissed my neck, hairy chest and went back to sucking me.

When I made a grab for his hard dick, obviously stiff in his flannel pajama type lounge pants, he warned me, "be careful, because I cum fast......"

I quit fumbling for his dick, as I didn't want him cumming and then calling the whole thing off.

True to my being, after 15 minutes of sucking and playing around, I felt my orgasm building and told the kid about it.  He stayed on task and as I was about to explode, I clamped down on his head, he pulled one hand free and jammed his finger in my mouth.

In the heat of orgasm, I had to fight the urge to bite down hard, but I was mainly focused on my cum spurting into his hot mouth, as he mercilessly milked me with is tongue.

When I came back to earth and caught my breath, I released him and I could tell he had my gob still in his mouth.  I told him if he needed to spit, it was fine with me and he left the room for a minute.

I put my gym clothes back on and when he returned his boner was still tenting out his lounge pants but now there was the addition of a huge wet spot.  I'm not sure if he cummed, or whether it was just pre-cum.  Either way, it spoke to me more than words that the kid enjoyed himself too.  Even if he didn't cum, he could jack off to the fresh memory, and maybe event he fresh taste of my jizz that he just spit out.

So, where does that leave me?

I don't know.

I'd love to share this with Amigo, but I know he wouldn't want to hear it.  I'm resigned to tell him the truth if he asks.

I also debated about writing about it.

To my readers, many of whom have reached out to me in comments and e-mails, I kind of didn't want to disappoint you by appearing to back slide, but again, I feel that honesty, with you, and especially with myself, might be critical at this point of my journey.

So, there you have it.  Did I stumble or am I back on the hook up path?  Time will tell.