Bless me Daddy, for I have sinned.

I know the amigo would not approve, but I hooked up again.  Dude #446.

The Amigo and I have never had the frank discussion about monogamy.  I'm pretty sure he would be "all in" for any type of commitment I would offer.  I doubt he's hooked up with anyone else since we've been dating, but I don't want to know.

Don't want to ask.

Don't want to have to explain myself.

Don't want hurt his feelings.

The truth is, the closer I feel to the Amigo emotionally, the less "orgasmic" the sex it for me.  I simply fail to achieve orgasm with the amigo, even though his ass feels amazing and I love fucking him.  I also love his blow jobs.  He's really become very good.

I know the reason is because my brain has become hardwired (maybe softwired) that the anonymous hook up is exciting.  Stimulating.  The only emotional attachment sex I ever had in my whole 52+ years of existence, was with my first girlfriend at age 17.  Now that I think about it, I had trouble achieving orgasm with her as well.  Even at age 17.

But just knowing what the problem is, doesn't fix it.

The amigo suggested that I don't masturbate at all.  That I quit looking at porn completely.  Actually, I think that's a reasonable suggestion,  A very possible solution.

But, I only see the Amigo on weekends.  This means I would cut down my own orgasms significantly.

And golly.  I like my orgasms!  I like to cum.  I love it in fact.

And so, I continue to read others' blogs in the morning.  I look at a little porn, and jerk off a few times a week.  Occasionally I seek the warm willing mouth of a stranger I find on Craigslist or Grindr, and even less frequently an old regular who resurfaces to suck me off.

The Amigo and I have been dating over 6 months now (wow, how time flies!)  In that time, if my spreadsheet is accurate, I've had 5 hookups.  A dramatic decrease for me.

Yesterday, I dropped the Amigo off at the train in the very early morning.  He went to work then school.  He and I spent a rare mid-week night together, and then I didn't have to report for work until late in the afternoon. I looked around on Craigslist and finally ended up with a 46-year-old bear between my legs while I watched twink porn on the TV in my living room.  It only took about 10 minutes and I was unloading my cum into the bear's mouth.  I wasn't attracted to him, but that didn't stop me.  A mouth is a mouth.  The bear was appreciative and expressed a desire to do it again the next time he was in town.

I wish I could have given the Amigo my load.  He would love to make me cum.  I would love to give that to him.  I seems the laws of cause and effect just don't apply to us right now.

Another Saturday Night, and I ain't got nobody.......

Ah, well, not entirely true.

Amigo was here, but he's gone now.  He had a school commitment, so could not spend the night.

I'm on a new work project, and hit the ground running as soon as I landed the gig, two weeks ago,  working 12+ hours a day.  This will go on the entire month of March, and the Amigo and I will not really be able to be together much.

I picked him up at 10PM last night, we got some tacos at the local taco stand, then came home and went to bed.   He pestered me for sex, and since I hadn't jacked off in a week, my cock reacted positively, even though I was exhausted.

Okay, maybe "pestered" is a little harsh.  I told him I was tired, but he insisted fondling me in the bed anyway.  Honestly, I was a little surprised at how hard I got, despite two beers and my exhausted state.  Well, I preformed like a champ, and totally satisfied Amigo.  However, I was unable to climax.  Grrrr.  So frustrating.   And, then during the night I had my first "almost wet" dream in decades.  I say, almost wet, because in the dream, some woman gave me a hand job and I sprayed like a geyser (not geezer) but in reality, I didn't cum in my sleep.

The next morning I took another stab (pun intended) at it, but Amigo was sore from the night before.  I asked him for oral (my favorite) and  I was SOOOO relieved when he sucked me off and I was able to unload!

I've become quite smitten with Amigo.

Golly.  I sure didn't see this coming.

I think this is an unlikely relationship.  So many challenges.

Language.
Distance.
Citizenship.

When we were first dating, These problems seemed more like allies.  Reasons for cutting free and bailing if things went south.  Well, unfortunately for me, I'm now more emotionally attached to the guy than ever, so when the shit hits the inevitable fan, I anticipate pain and sorrow and hurt, and for the first time, in a long time, it's going to be MY pain.  MY sorrow and MY hurt.

God, I'm a selfish prick sometimes.

Well, enough lamenting about what the future might hold.

For now, I'm enjoying the moment.  I love sleeping together.  Cuddling.  Even the frustrating sex.

On another note:

Blogger send out an e-mail notifying us that most likely blogs like mine would be made private.  I was a little bummed, but didn't want to overreact.  In fact, the timing was perfect.

I think I've ended my "gay slut' phase (or at least suspended it, ) and so, the most interesting part of my blog, is all in the past anyway.

While I'm really enjoying where my life if going these days, cuddling in bed with the Amigo doesn't' make for interesting reading.  My very personally satisfying situation just isn't blog worthy.

Oh, and by the way, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for all of the kind comments and personal e-mails the last few months.  You know who you are.  Unfortunately, there's a few poignant responses from anonymous, so I couldn't reply back in person, but nonetheless, a note from a reader helps me feel less alone in this journey.

Well, this post was fueled by beer, and a brief moment of free time.  I hope I didn't ramble too much.

Thanks.  Jack.