I know the amigo would not approve, but I hooked up again. Dude #446.
The Amigo and I have never had the frank discussion about monogamy. I'm pretty sure he would be "all in" for any type of commitment I would offer. I doubt he's hooked up with anyone else since we've been dating, but I don't want to know.
Don't want to ask.
Don't want to have to explain myself.
Don't want hurt his feelings.
The truth is, the closer I feel to the Amigo emotionally, the less "orgasmic" the sex it for me. I simply fail to achieve orgasm with the amigo, even though his ass feels amazing and I love fucking him. I also love his blow jobs. He's really become very good.
I know the reason is because my brain has become hardwired (maybe softwired) that the anonymous hook up is exciting. Stimulating. The only emotional attachment sex I ever had in my whole 52+ years of existence, was with my first girlfriend at age 17. Now that I think about it, I had trouble achieving orgasm with her as well. Even at age 17.
But just knowing what the problem is, doesn't fix it.
The amigo suggested that I don't masturbate at all. That I quit looking at porn completely. Actually, I think that's a reasonable suggestion, A very possible solution.
But, I only see the Amigo on weekends. This means I would cut down my own orgasms significantly.
And golly. I like my orgasms! I like to cum. I love it in fact.
And so, I continue to read others' blogs in the morning. I look at a little porn, and jerk off a few times a week. Occasionally I seek the warm willing mouth of a stranger I find on Craigslist or Grindr, and even less frequently an old regular who resurfaces to suck me off.
The Amigo and I have been dating over 6 months now (wow, how time flies!) In that time, if my spreadsheet is accurate, I've had 5 hookups. A dramatic decrease for me.
Yesterday, I dropped the Amigo off at the train in the very early morning. He went to work then school. He and I spent a rare mid-week night together, and then I didn't have to report for work until late in the afternoon. I looked around on Craigslist and finally ended up with a 46-year-old bear between my legs while I watched twink porn on the TV in my living room. It only took about 10 minutes and I was unloading my cum into the bear's mouth. I wasn't attracted to him, but that didn't stop me. A mouth is a mouth. The bear was appreciative and expressed a desire to do it again the next time he was in town.
I wish I could have given the Amigo my load. He would love to make me cum. I would love to give that to him. I seems the laws of cause and effect just don't apply to us right now.
The most important thing about your post today is at the beginning when you say you have not had a serious discussion about monogamy. I think you should first off, stop feeling guilty about your random hook ups. You need to get what you need. That being said...if you have any thoughts that Amigo is looking for a monogamous commitment, then you should really be honest with him.
ReplyDeleteI know that the sex with my partner is less aggressive, less selfish and sometimes laden with repercussions outside of bed. And every now and then the pressures of all that other stuff kinda interferes with enjoying the physicality between us. In other words, sometimes there's a lot at stake, even if it's not expressed explicitly. And even when it is! He and I both have said that its a huge turn on when we let go and just go at it but it's still a hard switch to flip.
ReplyDeleteWow.
ReplyDeleteThe pseudopsychologist in me is reeling a little bit. You can't seem to give your cum to someone you enjoy and seem to care about, but you shot off in a bear's mouth when you felt no attraction to him and in just 10 minutes.
Just a thought here. I have both a husband and a lover, long time involved with each of them - 30 odd years with my husband and 10 with my lover. Often the sex isn't necessarily focused on shooting, but on our pleasuring each other. What I've come to realize is the intensity of our mutual pleasure becomes more important than whether we've shot. I'll go thru a series of really wonderful peaks before shooting and after having had 5 or 6 of those, shooting just becomes not all that important anymore.
And the less focused I become on shooting, the more likely it is to happen.