I guess the time is right.
It's the conflict I feel when looking for a hookup. Conflict because I know The Amigo would not like it.
So, if I know it's wrong, why do I still do it? How do I keep justifying it? I have a boyfriend now, and still I enjoy the random hookup and the ocasional BJs from Regulars.
Rhetorical questions of course. I can't expect an answer from my readers, it's got to come from within.
But, this blog has helped me process my journey, and so maybe it will help me find some comfortable ground to stand on.
An update on the Amigo and me.
We are still together. Not as much as the summer, when I was working less, and he didn't have classes, but still he comes on the weekends, and we spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights together.
We mostly do stay-at-home stuff. We watch Netflix, cuddle, go to sleep together. We copulate Saturday and Sunday mornings, then shower together. Sometimes we eat out. Sunday breakfast is a favorite. Usually with my Mom, if she's in town.
Yesterday was The Amigo's birthday. He turned 45 (although he could easily pass for 35). He was at school, and I was at work. I wasn't sure when I would be returning from a work project out of town, and The Amigo was dealing with some responsibilities at school.
He couldn't come and spend the night with me. I didn't get to fall asleep spooning him, and I didn't wake up next to him, clutching me and trying to prohibit me from leaving the bed. I won't look at porn, take my Viagra, then go in and wake him and fuck him, telling him that he "doesn't have an option."
Instead, I have the morning to myself. To contemplate why I still crave the hookup when I'm horny. I tell myself that The Amigo fulfills all of my emotional and relationship needs, but I still have that one area of my sexual appetite that he doesn't quite fullfill.
Before The Amigo came into my life, when finding a hookup was my number one recreational outlet, I used to rebuff anyone who was in a (gay) relationship, and looking for sex on the side. If you are in a relationship, you should have sex with your partner, right?
Well, now it looks like I'm having a great big buffet consisting of crow and humble pie.
I don't really know the answer, but I think it is time to have a conversation with the Amigo and tell him how you feel and your dilemma. It sounds like something that can be worked out together.
ReplyDeleteTalking with Amigo is a good idea. It won't get any better waiting. And if he finds out in the meantime it really makes the conversation awkward.
ReplyDeleteYou're getting something out of the hook-ups that you're not getting from The Amigo. In some way(s), he's not fulfilling your needs OR, maybe, you're not in a place where any one person can.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a long time since I was into hook-ups but I remember the allure was the "thrill of connecting" more than anything else. There's something uniquely energizing about it. And feeling the thrill is what makes them addictive and hard to quit. It's definitely not the sex alone. Lots of hook-up sex is so-so, which is why I think most of it is a one-time deal. It seems to me that most guys slow down on hook-ups when they become mundane. You're not at that point yet so you're motivated to continue.
I started cheating a month after I connected with my husband of 19 years. Part of it is the thrill and the other part is, I like variety. For me, monogamous is not an option. I told my partner that if he ever connected with someone else that I didn't want to hear about it. We set some ground rules and left it at that. I don't know if this helps but I definitely share your position.
ReplyDeleteBlkJack