I used to write entries in this blog to share my story. To find camaraderie, and validation. Truth be told, also to brag a little.
I'm still amazed how in my late 40's, I discovered all of this.
How I went from content single guy, to kid-in-a-candy story hookup king, bolstering my self confidence, until I ended up somehow in a relationship. Relationship. Weird.
Yes, the relationship is still there. Amigo is at home, waiting for me, as I finish up my third week of vacation in Europe. Unfortunately, Amigo has obligations at home, and could not come. On a side not, he confessed that he has a phobia about long flights, and said he may never be able to come to Europe with me.....unless we go by boat. Is that even a thing anymore?
But back to the sinning: I have sinned. Three times since my last blog entry. I always knew I would write about it, but I'm struggling with when. I'm putting off something I committed to do, yet I don't want to do. The main reason is that the Amigo reads this blog. At least I think he does. I know he used to. I know he has read it in the past. I'm still not sure he still has the link.
I wish we could talk about it.
Truth be told, we're not great communicators. At least when it comes to unpleasant things. I'd like to talk about it, but I'm not very experienced at bringing up difficult and uncomfortable topics. He doesn't want to either. I think he'd prefer to NOT know about many uncomfortable things, using the "head in the sand" approach.
And then there is still a bit of a language barrier. Terms like "head in the sand" wouldn't make sense in Spanish. In fact, once he asked me what the term "settle down" meant. As I recall, it was in the context of my blog, and I think I must have mentioned in a previous blog entry that he read, that soon I may have to "settle down."
So, this particular blog entry isn't going to be the retelling of my three latest hookups, outside of my relationship. It's a precursor, while I try to work up the courage to do it, and it's not going to be easy. I need to reconcile some internal feelings first.
I'm not Catholic, and the only things I know about confession is what I see in the movies. I know at the end, there is some penance.
What shall my penance be now?
Yeah, my partner and I aren't that good with communicating either. It's gotten to a don't ask don't tell type situation. I got messaged by a fuck bud that said, "I'm pretty sure our boyfriends hook up". Lol. Or at least I thought it was funny. Go him! So turned on thinking of him being a stud and fucking other guys. And my bud's BF is totally his type.
ReplyDeleteBut we stop just shy of being open about it. And I get it. We've been through a helluva lot and we still really dig each other so to lose that would be heartbreaking. But the chances of that happening on my side because he plays around is very slim. I just think he's not as confident about that.
Thanks for sharing that. I know I'm not the only guy with fidelity and guilt issues. It helps to hear from others.
DeleteI'm in the same boat. I have cheated, many, may times. After awhile I stopped feeling guilty. I'm not sure I'd willing to give my husband my blog link...In fact I know I wouldn't.
ReplyDeleteI know we both have the same attitude about casual sex and they gives me comfort in knowing that. We both are okay with sex with others as long as it not an affair of the heart. That's something you can't compete with.
BlkJack
I agree. These are affairs of the dick, not the heart.
DeleteThe pics alone sold me.
ReplyDelete