Frustration, relief, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hookup

I don't want to write part of this post.  The hookup part.  Writing this blog has been very helpful and therapeutic for me, going though this journey, so I feel like if I'm going to be honest with myself, then I need to put my experiences here, even if I'm not proud of them any more, like I used to be.

Life with the Amigo is good.  I'm really enjoying the experience.  He asked me the other day, as were were cuddling in preparation for an afternoon nap "what are your plans for me?"

It was an honest question that deserved an honest answer, so I did my best.  What I left unsaid was that I wasn't about get married, just so he can stay in the country after he finishes school.  I'm not sure what the future holds for us.  I know Amigo loves me.  He tells me all the time, even if I've only mustered the courage to verbalize it to him a couple of time.  I'm afraid of commitment.  Of course I am.  I've been single and independent my whole life.  And I've been happy.

I went without masturbating the entire week, so that I could make every effort to orgasm with the Amigo this weekend.  I knew he would be visiting Thursday night, and by Thursday morning, I was as horny as a two peckered billy goat.  I maintained vigilance though.  I did not jack off.  By the time evening came, and I picked Amigo up at the train station, work had sanded off most of the horniness, and I felt plain old tired.

Still, when we got home, we did the deed.  I had sufficient labido to fuck the Amigo first on his back (his new favorite position) for a good 10 minutes, then on his stomach (my favorite position) for another 10 or 12.  Without the help of a boner pill, I stayed good and hard for the entire 20-25 minutes until Amigo was plain old worn out.

Amigo was a sport though, and he sucked me off afterwards.  It took exactly 13 minutes, but he did it, and damn, it was good.

I find it disappointing and frustrating that we can't share an orgasm together.  I prefer receiving a BJ.  He doesn't necessarily like giving me one, (not for that long anyway) but he does it to please me.  I like to suck HIS dick, but it doesn't do much for him.  He barely maintains an erection.  I wish he enjoyed it more.  As much as I am unable to cum while fucking him on his stomach, I do enjoy it.  It's going to be impossible to cum while fucking him on his back, legs on my shoulders, but he sure gets a thrill from it.

Is this how it's going to be?  I satisfy him by fucking him on his back, then I shower, wash my dick, and he blows me so I can cum?    Grrrr.  I wish we could just fuck and both end up in a messy cummy orgasmic bliss fest, at the same time.

I also wish kids didn't go hungry, there was no poverty, and world peace was more achievable than whirled peas.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to hook up today.  Amigo is at school, and I looked a porn and thought how nice it would be to give someone a BJ, and let them cum in my mouth.  Why then did I let a dude on Grinder invite me over to suck MY cock?

And why did a fairly bad BJ, which was loaded with teeth, get me to cum in 5 minutes, while standing?  Was it the fact that the guy was super hot, handsome, trim, fit, and had a nice big cock?

Maybe.

More likely, it's that the anon hook up still has some thrilling mystical power over me.

Again, just knowing what the problem is, doesn't fix it.

Anyway, that's my story of Dude #446.  A trophy cock sucker for sure, but somehow not a trophy for me at this stage.