Dear Diary.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2012

Dear Diary.

I'm going through some fucked up shit. Most of it is my own doing, but some of it I can blame on circumstance.

Where do I start?

I guess I'll start with the last hookup. Zach. The kid.

We had a really nice Sunday together. Even the ride from the restaurant back to his house, he reached over, took my hand and just held it for the ride home. We said our good-byes, and the next day I worked a half day. The other half of the day, I went into the Salt Lake Valley Clinic to get a routine STD test, just in case something regular were to develop with Zach, I wanted to make sure I was clean and good to go.

After I finished with the testing, I texted Zach, just to tell him thanks for the previous day. I didn't hear back from him.

Later in the evening, I texted again, and suddenly I was worried that he was suicidal. I'm not sure why, but I just felt it.

I sent the following text: Hey Kiddo, R U ok? I won't be pushy if you just let me know that ur okay. I'm not sure why, but I got a little panicked, and then called his phone. Luckily, after several rings, it got picked up, then hung up. I called again, and it went to voice mail.

Then I got a good sign. He signed into his Grindr account. Whew. He wasn't dead.

It's okay that he want's to avoid me for what ever reason, but at least he wasn't dead.

Then, I got the worst text ever from him: I am doing fine. Very Happy.

Well, after spending the day with him, I knew he wasn't "very happy" unless he was going to kill himself.  It's been over a week, and he hasn't signed into his Grindr Account. I left town the following day, so I sent only one more text, and it was never returned. I fear he may have attempted to kill himself, (again)or worse, succeeded.

I wrote this from San Diego, where I was spending the holidays at my parents.  I read back over this, and it sounds dramatic, but we spent some time talking about suicide. He had  attempted 5 times or so he said, before he wanted to change the subject and talk about something more positive.  At the time, I was happy to change the subject and talk about more positive things, and he seemed quite normal.


More to come.......