Bless me Daddy, for I have sinned.

I know the amigo would not approve, but I hooked up again.  Dude #446.

The Amigo and I have never had the frank discussion about monogamy.  I'm pretty sure he would be "all in" for any type of commitment I would offer.  I doubt he's hooked up with anyone else since we've been dating, but I don't want to know.

Don't want to ask.

Don't want to have to explain myself.

Don't want hurt his feelings.

The truth is, the closer I feel to the Amigo emotionally, the less "orgasmic" the sex it for me.  I simply fail to achieve orgasm with the amigo, even though his ass feels amazing and I love fucking him.  I also love his blow jobs.  He's really become very good.

I know the reason is because my brain has become hardwired (maybe softwired) that the anonymous hook up is exciting.  Stimulating.  The only emotional attachment sex I ever had in my whole 52+ years of existence, was with my first girlfriend at age 17.  Now that I think about it, I had trouble achieving orgasm with her as well.  Even at age 17.

But just knowing what the problem is, doesn't fix it.

The amigo suggested that I don't masturbate at all.  That I quit looking at porn completely.  Actually, I think that's a reasonable suggestion,  A very possible solution.

But, I only see the Amigo on weekends.  This means I would cut down my own orgasms significantly.

And golly.  I like my orgasms!  I like to cum.  I love it in fact.

And so, I continue to read others' blogs in the morning.  I look at a little porn, and jerk off a few times a week.  Occasionally I seek the warm willing mouth of a stranger I find on Craigslist or Grindr, and even less frequently an old regular who resurfaces to suck me off.

The Amigo and I have been dating over 6 months now (wow, how time flies!)  In that time, if my spreadsheet is accurate, I've had 5 hookups.  A dramatic decrease for me.

Yesterday, I dropped the Amigo off at the train in the very early morning.  He went to work then school.  He and I spent a rare mid-week night together, and then I didn't have to report for work until late in the afternoon. I looked around on Craigslist and finally ended up with a 46-year-old bear between my legs while I watched twink porn on the TV in my living room.  It only took about 10 minutes and I was unloading my cum into the bear's mouth.  I wasn't attracted to him, but that didn't stop me.  A mouth is a mouth.  The bear was appreciative and expressed a desire to do it again the next time he was in town.

I wish I could have given the Amigo my load.  He would love to make me cum.  I would love to give that to him.  I seems the laws of cause and effect just don't apply to us right now.

Another Saturday Night, and I ain't got nobody.......

Ah, well, not entirely true.

Amigo was here, but he's gone now.  He had a school commitment, so could not spend the night.

I'm on a new work project, and hit the ground running as soon as I landed the gig, two weeks ago,  working 12+ hours a day.  This will go on the entire month of March, and the Amigo and I will not really be able to be together much.

I picked him up at 10PM last night, we got some tacos at the local taco stand, then came home and went to bed.   He pestered me for sex, and since I hadn't jacked off in a week, my cock reacted positively, even though I was exhausted.

Okay, maybe "pestered" is a little harsh.  I told him I was tired, but he insisted fondling me in the bed anyway.  Honestly, I was a little surprised at how hard I got, despite two beers and my exhausted state.  Well, I preformed like a champ, and totally satisfied Amigo.  However, I was unable to climax.  Grrrr.  So frustrating.   And, then during the night I had my first "almost wet" dream in decades.  I say, almost wet, because in the dream, some woman gave me a hand job and I sprayed like a geyser (not geezer) but in reality, I didn't cum in my sleep.

The next morning I took another stab (pun intended) at it, but Amigo was sore from the night before.  I asked him for oral (my favorite) and  I was SOOOO relieved when he sucked me off and I was able to unload!

I've become quite smitten with Amigo.

Golly.  I sure didn't see this coming.

I think this is an unlikely relationship.  So many challenges.

Language.
Distance.
Citizenship.

When we were first dating, These problems seemed more like allies.  Reasons for cutting free and bailing if things went south.  Well, unfortunately for me, I'm now more emotionally attached to the guy than ever, so when the shit hits the inevitable fan, I anticipate pain and sorrow and hurt, and for the first time, in a long time, it's going to be MY pain.  MY sorrow and MY hurt.

God, I'm a selfish prick sometimes.

Well, enough lamenting about what the future might hold.

For now, I'm enjoying the moment.  I love sleeping together.  Cuddling.  Even the frustrating sex.

On another note:

Blogger send out an e-mail notifying us that most likely blogs like mine would be made private.  I was a little bummed, but didn't want to overreact.  In fact, the timing was perfect.

I think I've ended my "gay slut' phase (or at least suspended it, ) and so, the most interesting part of my blog, is all in the past anyway.

While I'm really enjoying where my life if going these days, cuddling in bed with the Amigo doesn't' make for interesting reading.  My very personally satisfying situation just isn't blog worthy.

Oh, and by the way, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for all of the kind comments and personal e-mails the last few months.  You know who you are.  Unfortunately, there's a few poignant responses from anonymous, so I couldn't reply back in person, but nonetheless, a note from a reader helps me feel less alone in this journey.

Well, this post was fueled by beer, and a brief moment of free time.  I hope I didn't ramble too much.

Thanks.  Jack.

Dude 445, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Okay. Something is wrong with me.   I'm not so proud that I can't admit it.

This post has two components to it. The hook up, which was actually mediocre, and the other component, which is what the fuck is wrong with me?

I am still having trouble achieving orgasm with the amigo.  The weird thing is, it's about the best sex I have ever had!

Amigo's blowjobs are a definite 10.  He doesn't love sucking me off, but he knows that I love it and he gives it his all.  And it's pretty damn good, up there with the top 10%.  If the stimulation is so great? Why do I not always orgasm?

I do however come more often with his blowjobs, then I do with backdoor penetration.
The blowjob success ratio is about 65%, however, when I top the amigo, I'm operating at about a 10% success rate, if that.

Again, I do not know why.  He has totally relaxed, and screwing him in the ass feels better than just about anything in the world.  He loves it too, and doesn't hesitate to show it.

Why then, does my dick go limp usually?  And to make matters worse, if I take my little blue pill, I stay plenty hard enough, and I get to screw for a long, long time, until I'm exhausted.  The poor Amigo loves it.........for a while.  But even he must get tired of it.

Lately, my hands have always been cold.  The amigo is a furnace, so my favorite thing to do is put my cold hands around his neck, Or other body parts.

He absolutely hates it, and always recoils, asking me why I am so mean to him.  Of course I find this absolutely hilarious and it just encourages me more.  It's like tickling his feet, it drives him absolutely berserk. And now, I can't walk by his socked foot without being instantly attracted to it and wanting to tickle it!  Usually I resist, but I know he is watching me waiting for the attack.

Oh yes, back to the cold hands. I was wondering if my constantly cold hands, and erectile dysfunction, where a symptom of poor circulation.  Also, I must say I have a little less libido.

Now last fall, I was going to see the urologist. This was a result of drippy dick syndrome, and no one could figure out why.  I never did find out.  I think it was an urinary tract infection. I think I got it from fucking some kid in the ass, without a condom.

The urologist was quite concerned about my low testosterone from my blood test results, although I had absolutely no other symptoms, except a slightly raised PSA level.  I had plenty of energy, a high libido, and was not depressed.  I was downright perky for a 52-year-old basically grumpy guy.

My testosterone levels were beginning to bounce back over a couple of months period, and the PSA count dropped and I am supposed to go in for another check up this spring, or summer.

Also, I have noticed that my urine stream isn't very strong.

So, in the back of my mind, I am wondering if I have an enlarged prostate, or even prostate cancer.

Well, it's Friday morning, and I haven't ejaculated since Monday, I think.

I will usually jack off in the mornings, if I have time, but I have sort of held off, thinking the Amigo was going to show up for a sleep over this week.  He hasn't.

So I was feeling a little frisky this morning, and instead of jacking off, I put an ad on Craigslist.

Pretty quickly I got a response from an older married gentleman in a downtown hotel, who offered to suck me off.

I wasn't feeling that horny, and was a little worried about my performance.  I drove to the hotel.

The guy was rushed to check out and said he didn't have much time.  I said I would do my best, but I was not a quick cummer.  He seemed worried.  I was a little worried too.

The Gentleman's long cock.

I took off my shoes, Levi's and boxers, and sat back on the bed, while this gentleman went to work on my soft dick.  At first the blowjob was fairly good with lots of tongue, although it lacked suction.  By now, his pants were around his ankles, and he was jacking his long skinny cock, as he leaned over me and sucked my dick.

I started to inflate, and come to life, and he commented on how nice my dick looked, and asked me to grab his.  I did as he requested and stroked his long skinny cock for a bit and it stiffened.

The gentleman reminded me of this guy

He sucked me for a minute more, and then pulled off, and I told him I thought he was getting me close.

It was true. Even though I had only been in his mouth only a couple of minutes, I could feel my orgasm rising.

He told me that was good, and he wanted to use my cum as lube to jack himself off.

Well he went back to work, and it wasn't the best blowjob like I said, but damn, if I didn't start blasting off only a minute later!

or maybe this guy.

He took most of my wad in his mouth, then stood up, and I could see his cock starting to shoot as well.  He spit my gob into his hand and then stroked himself and ride out his orgasm.

In the meantime, I got up went to the bathroom and got a washcloth and wiped myself off.  I also grabbed a hand towel and threw it to him, as he had spermed all over the hotel sheets.  How rude!

So, here I was, with a total stranger, who wasn't ugly, but not particularly attractive, certainly not as attractive as my amigo!

Next, his blowjob lacked skill.  On a scale of 1 to 10 it was about a three, while the amigo comes in at a very solid 10!

So, obviously my problem is not physical.  I am quite capable of getting hard and coming quick if I need to.

I guess, the first thing is I need to find out what my problem is.  But that is just the start, isn't it?  Simply knowing what the problem is, is not a solution in and of itself.

The amigo thinks it is pornography. I guess it could be. They say porn rewires the brain.

Oddly enough, it's been a topic on our local news.  There's a group running around the public schools teaching the evils of pornography addiction.

As a bit of history, I have always had problems achieving orgasm during coitus.  This happened with my first girlfriend at age 17, and with the other girls I was with in my early 20s.  I always just thought it was because I was more attracted to guys, and the female parts were not arousing enough.

Then, when I fucked my first guy, I didn't come.  Not the second or third either.  I think it was maybe my 6th.  At that time, I thought it must be the condom.  Now that I get to fuck bare, and it feels so great, I know it's something else.

Anyway, if any of you have been through a similar situation, I would love to hear about it.  I looked for some help on the Internet, but it is such a broad problem. I am not sure that any of the specific advice applied to me.

As always, thanks for reading!

Valentine's day

Because of some conflicting commitments tomorrow, on the REAL Valentine's day, Amigo and I celebrated last night by going out to dinner.  We had a great time.  We went to one of those Brazilian Steak houses.  I guess that's what they are called.  They don't really serve steaks though.  It's really a Brazilian MEAT house.  It's all you can eat, carnivore style.  You have a little token on your table, and when it's right-side-up with the green end showing, The "Gouchos come to your table with these swords, stacked with grilled meat, and carve off slices right on to your plate!  They keep coming every few minutes until you are too stuffed to eat any more, and you turn your token over, to red-side-up, and they stop the assault.

After we got home, I gave him a card and and gift.  The card was a funny one.  Well, I thought it was funny.  The gift was 4 pair of sexy underwear.  He likes those, and I don't mind that he wears them, but they're not for me.  I'm a plain old boxer's man.

Of course the night ended with a different sort of meat-fest, and a sleep over.

I am growing more fond of Amigo as the weeks pass.  It's crazy how much I've changed in the 5 months we have been "dating."

I still have no idea what the future holds.  He doesn't bring up his financial dilemmas anymore.  I'm not sure if he's figured out a solution, or is just hiding his head in the sand until the shit hits the fan.

For now anyway, things are nice. Mellow.  Comfortable.

Looking back, this is the longest "relationship" I've had since I was a senior in high school, with my first girlfriend.  I really lack practice at being a boyfriend.  I know I could certainly be more verbal with my affection, but I am cautious about the "L" word around the Amigo.  I'm afraid of commitment.

We even chatted a bit about that last night, and he mentioned that even though I don't "say" it, my actions demonstrate my affection.

And, for now, I feel pretty good about that.

Dude 444 Another "feather" in my cap.

I still turn on Grindr from time to time, and this morning was one of those times.  I should have gone to the gym (it is Wednesday, after all) but when a young man says he woke up and was looking to suck some dick, I felt a little charitable.  I'm practically a damn saint!

As you can see from the Grindr screen captures, it's wasn't that difficult.  The kid was nice enough.  He lived in a crappy apartment complex, but his room was neat and tidy, even if the wall were a bit grungy.  I sat on the edge of the bed, while he alternated between so-so blow job and so-so hand job.

I had neglected to make sure he would let me cum in his mouth beforehand, and by the overabundance of hand in this encounter, I was pretty sure that cumming in his mouth wasn't in the cards, still I was hopeful.

As I crested, I let him know I was about to blow, and sure enough, he pulled off and milked me by hand.  It wasn't a particularly spectacular sight either.  Just a couple of dribbles.  I asked for a paper towel to clean up with afterwards, and he offered me a nearby bath towel, so I accepted.

I guess I should have just jacked off at home, and saved myself the guilt, but, what's done is done.

More to come later this week.

6 years ago today

It was 6 years ago today.

6 years ago that I had my first Craig's List encounter with another guy, that started me down this crazy path.  After decades of near celibacy, I got a blow job, sucked a dick and had my ass eaten, and tasted the addictive drug know as the "anonymous hook-up."

Or, so I thought.  I look back to the beginning of this blog, and realized that the date was a little off.  Then I remembered that I started this blog two years after my first encounter.  I had written about it to a friend, and in my diary of sorts, but not made it public until two years later, in 2011.

So, I went back through my old e-mails.  Sure enough, there was documentation of the encounter, but apparently it happened on January 29, 2009, not February 1, 2009 so I'm still off.

As my memory fails, I'm happier than ever to have this blog.  I've had some crazy times indeed!

 Now, things have settled down.

Amigo is still by my side.

I'm not sure what he's worked out as far as his financial or immigration problems.  We talked about it a little yesterday, but he then changed the subject.  I think, like me, he's avoiding the problem and enjoying the moment where we can be together.

And it appears we are still together.

It's hard for my icy cold heart to admit, but I grow fonder of Amigo, each weekend we spend together.  Last weekend for example, the new bigger bed arrived.  No longer are two grown men forced to sleep together on a full size mattress, but have the luxury of a nice queen size.  It really doesn't change anything for me though.  I'm still pushed up to the cliff edge of the bed as Amigo in his unconscious sleepy state, inches closer and closer, cuddle cuddle cuddle, until I'm almost off the edge.  I like it.

And, almost every night we are together, watching a DVD or Netflix on the couch, and Amigo absolutely cannot stay awake.  He always falls asleep on my shoulder or on my chest.  The two exceptions;  Watching "Sex Tape" on DVD, and watching a penguin documentary on PBS.   I have no idea what the correlation is.

So, in 6 years I went from closeted porn watching confused middle aged single guy, to still confused still middle aged, but out to the parents and sister boyfriend guy.  I still have trouble saying the word "gay" but I guess, if the shoe fits.........

The Amigo and I at Sundance in Park City

Chico and the Man

Things are pretty steady for me and Amigo at the moment.   We are back in the routine of him going to school during the week, then taking the train here on Friday night, and spending the weekend, until I drop him off, back at the train station early Monday morning.

Of course, this week it will be Tuesday morning because of the MLK day holiday.

It's grown surprisingly comfortable.

I never really thought of myself as a particularly cuddly individual.  It's not like I'm made of stone or anything, but all the touch feely stuff was never high on my priority list.

It's really high on Amigo's priority list.  He could survive on kisses, hugs and caresses alone.  He wouldn't need food or drink.

That being said, I've become pretty darn comfortable with the cuddling.  I love, love, love watching a TV/Netflix movie with Amigo, while cuddling up on the couch.  Amigo likes it too, but it's a powerful anesthetic, and he falls asleep in my arms every time.  With out fail.  He simply cannot stay awake if I'm on that couch with him.

We also like naps.  Sometimes we spoon, and sometimes he curls up into my chest, even though he's the slightly bigger guy physically.

Saturday, he was upstairs doing his homework, and I had 30 minutes of free time, so I lay down on the couch for a snooze.  When Amigo found out, he was pissed that I took my siesta without telling him.  As if I had deprived him of a meal.

Amigo also like to get drilled.  Nailed.  Laid.  He likes it a lot.  We're both getting better at it, although my inability to orgasm while topping is still quite baffling.  The wonderful feeling of fucking him in his ass should bring me to an immediate climax!  Honestly, I don't think I could make it feel any more stimulating and good, but somehow I fail to climax, more often than not.

One thing that worked the other day; after we screwed for about 10 minutes, I started going soft.  I pulled out, and we cuddled for a minute and it was decided I would go and wash my dick in the bathroom and return for a nice BJ.

My body responded favorably to the oral, and soon I was near the plateau.  Instead of blowing my wad in his mouth, I pulled out and mounted Amigo, and rode off into the sunset, guns a blazing!  That time it worked out well and everyone was happy.  I think we're going to try that method some more.

Have I mentioned that Amigo always want's to film us, with his iPhone?   He's taken a couple videos so far.  I know it's a little risky, but both of our faces are clearly visible, so I doubt he'll want to show it around.

It sure has given me a new perspective on myself.  Of course I've used my own iPhone to film my clandestine encounters with hook ups in the past, but I take what I can get, the camera in never in the optimum place, and the lighting is poor.

Not this time.  I get to see myself in fully lighted, high-definition glory.  And, I must say, I am surprised at what I see.  I had a different self image for sure.   It's hard to explain.  I look much thicker and solid that I thought.  Instead of a wiry monkey climbing around in the bed, I'm a fairly masculine looking almost beefy guy, dominating my partner.  Me?  Beefy?  It's something I hadn't ever expected of myself.

I'm not that happy with my small gut, nor my poor posture, but at age 52, I'm not complaining.  At the risk of sounding conceited, I also have to compliment my ass!

Yesterday morning, we set up both his phone, and mine, and hit record at the same time.  Unfortunately, neither of us gave Oscar performances, but it was fun to try and cut these two angles together.  Amigo's phone captured the "wide shot" from profile, while my phone got the "close up" from the foot of the bed, mostly featuring my ass, drilling poor Amigo.

And don't ask to see this one.  It's going to remain private.

An update on our situation;  well it's still pretty uncertain.  It seems Amigo's financial situation at his school, may ultimately be insurmountable.  I know this is not my problem and was not caused by any decisions that I made, but I still feel bad for the guy.

I think Amigo has realized that I will not be his sugar daddy, nor will I be his knight in shining armor that comes to his rescue.  Still, I think he would rather face these challenges with me, than look for another knight to save him.  He's also mentioned that turning back to the Mormon church isn't really an option he's willing to consider.

Amigo satisfies me sexually while he's around.  He more that satisfies me romantically, and I have no interest in seeking romantic dates with anyone else.  I still have a tendency to turn on grinder and consider hooking up with others during the week, but I'm trying to be good.  I haven't made any commitment to him to be faithful, although I know he'd be crushed to find out that hooked up with anyone else.  Also, I really, really don't want to bring anything nasty home, and infect Amigo.

So, it's one week at a time for us.

I'll try to keep you posted.  It's good therapy for me.

Asian Fusian

Last week while visiting Mom in Sunny Southern California, I had the opportunity to meet a fellow blogger.

This is the first time I have been able to actually meet another blogger, or, for that matter, a reader of my blog!

I had such a good time.

He was working, so the only time we could meet was lunch time, or after work.  Because I didn't want to get stuck in LA traffic, and other things, I chose lunch time.  My blogger buddy bought lunch and we munched Asian Fusion food from a nearby food truck.

I don't think I've ever had Asian Fusion before, but mine consisted of a burrito, with grilled meat along with a wad of french fries inside.  While the meat was tasty, the fries were merely filling.  Too filling, plus, I was so busy flapping my gums telling my story that I barely had time to eat.

This meeting was right in the middle of the latest Amigo Drama, so the Blogger listened patiently, and gave me some advice when asked.  Blogger also filled me in on personal details of his life that I was very, very curious about.  It was so much fun.  

I guess I need to get some actual gay people in my social life that I can talk to sometimes.

I had a mental picture in my mind, about Blogger.  He has a nice slim torso picture on his profile, so I should have known he would be hot.  But, in my mind, he looked like another guy that I used to blow, so in my mind he wasn't so fit and trim.  But, in fact he was smoking hot.

I wondered about his perception of me, and of course in many ways I wasn't what he expected.  I loved his description;

 I can totally empathize with picturing a certain person when you interact with someone. For me though, it was a bit more cerebral.  The way you write, I was expecting a bit more of a cocky frat guy type that's heavily closeted and paranoid. I know there's a lot of judgement in that statement but I swear I mean it in an archetype level than a criticism of your writing. I mean, you're writing about hookups so it's really about getting your nut, which then makes it seem like you're a little egocentric with your needs... But you're actually really sensitive in an earnest and novel way.  Ugh, I'm doing a horrible job of explaining what I mean. Like, I was expecting someone that's very direct in a hot masculine sort of way but instead you're more direct in a more contemplative and equally hot but sincere way. Is that a little better?

I love that from my writing, he thought I was a (older version of) a cocky, closeted frat guy!  Is that what everyone pictures?  Oh, if only I could get in all your heads!

In reality I feel like such a bumbling dork, with a few left over self esteem issues, and he thought I was a cocky frat guy type.  Bless his handsome heart.

Thanks for meeting me Blogger.  I didn't mention you specifically, because I wanted the other readers to enjoy the puzzle, of figuring out who you are.  I hope you're cool with that.

The Drama Continues. I hope not.

Okay.  I have learned my lesson.  I can't let the drama of others, especially Amigo affect me.

AND, I hope not to blog about it in the future.

However, here's the latest.

Amigo sent me an e-mail, saying he wanted to come over and stay the night and talk face to face.  I had pretty much decided it would probably be best just to end it.  I received some advice from TwoLives,  which you can read in the comments of my last post.

So, then I got a surprise phone call from Amigo.  We had a nice chat, and I started to change my thinking.  I told Amigo he could come see me, and we could sort things out in person, but he wasn't going to spend the night.  He had to go back home.  He had to cut the phone call short as his class was starting, but promised to call afterwards.

He called later and told me he was going to take the train to SLC to come and talk, then would go back home.

I picked him up.  After three weeks, of being apart, I'll have to admit, I found him more handsome that ever.

When we got to the house, we had some dinner, and talked about everything.

I asked him to clarify his e-mailed response to me;

Ok, no problem so this is over. I will start to ask to my friends in (Another Town) and start to go back to the church. I hope the best to you and I will walk alone to next step!!! 

As I suspected, it was a knee jerk response to my rejection of the idea of living together.  He said he was really stressed out and should not have sent it.

We talked about his future plans, and his expectations.  I talked about how I had been holding off or at least cutting down on hooking up because I didn't want to bring anything (STDs) back to him and I let him know I wasn't going to commit to a totally monogamous relationship.

He didn't give me the green light for random hookups or anything, but he didn't say it was off the table if we continue to date.

So, after all of the talking, my heart started to melt a little.  Picture the Grinch, when he saw all the Whos enjoing Christmas.

I told him he should not take the train back.  He should stay the night if he wanted.

He wanted.

Of course.

I took a boner pill and we cuddled on the couch.
Soon enough things heated up on the couch and progressed to the bedroom.  I won't go into details, but the Amigo was totally satisfied, and it felt good to satisfy him.

We returned to the couch and tried to watch "Chasing Amy" on Netflix.  I say tried, because a movie on my couch is like a sleeping pill to the Amigo.

I don't think we have ever made it through a whole movie where he didn't fall asleep in my arms while watching, and last night was no exception.

We had a peaceful snugly night, and then I satisfied the Amigo one more time before getting him to the train station at 6:10 AM so he could return to his job and classes at school.

So, for now, I think that things are back to normal, for me.  He's got some struggles now, and I don't know what his solutions may be, but he's a big boy, and I'm sure he'll figure it out.

I'm sorry that I got caught up in the Drama, and needed to vent/share, but I really do appreciate the support and comments.  I'm going to try and take my own advice and not get caught up in this stuff again, and let the drama pass by for a day or two before I react to it.

Thanks for reading.  Whew.

Update.

Hi everyone and thanks for the great comments.  It's clear what should happen.

I gave it a lot of thought, and I think I'm holding Amigo back.  His reference about church was a little misleading.  He converted to Mormonism about 10 years ago.  That's essentially why he is here.  He found a nice Mormon family to host him while he attended school.  That only lasted a couple of years,  and he moved out, and rented a room in a house with several other single guys, while continuing school.  Perhaps he did this so he could be a little more comfortable with his sexuality, I'm not entirely sure.

He has been considering asking the family to move back in with them so he can  afford to pay tuition.   Mormons have a strong sense of community and they have a great safety net.  Amigo really believes the Mormon (religious and spiritual) stuff, but of course it's hard because he has realized he is gay.  You CAN be gay and be a Mormon.  You CANNOT  be a good Mormon and continue to have gay sex.

This is a great source of conflict for Amigo, I am sure.

If he moves back to the family, he would be expected to go to church every Sunday.  This would be an end to our Saturday night sleep overs.

Several hours after my last blog post, Amigo sent me another e-mail:

We should talk about it. I'm so busy this week, but we will talk about this face to face. 

No worries you're amazing guy!!!

Sent from my iPhone

And so I replied with a long, two-page letter I had composed, BEFORE I left for California.  I basically outlined my feelings, my expectations, and my fears.  Summed up, it basically said, we had little hope for a future together, but it's fun for now if you want to continue.

After Amigo read the long winded and probably incomprehensible diatribe I wrote (in English unfortunately) he e-mailed back the following:

Thanks for you honesty in this email, I could see something that I have ready seem in you before. You are wonderful guy and I think that we could get a great life together, but I am Mexican and early or lately I should go back my country. My fault is not born in this country!!! 

Let go to talk Saturday!!!! 

Amigo!!! 


Again, I'm not entirely sure what he's trying to say, but I think I get the gist of it.

I arrived home last nigh.  Oddly enough, a cute nerdy self-proclaimed "Otter" kid, from Grindr offered to pick me up from the airport.

(huge side track here;  The Otter kid, is a recent college graduate, into silver daddies I guess, and loves to cuddle.  He's got a great body,  and cuddling for cuddling sake isn't really my thing, but damn, he's so hot, and I love stroking his soft furry chest and groin!  AND, although he won't do anything but hand jobs to me, he lets me suck him off.  And it's great by the way.  He is actually Dude 412)

Back to the main Drama:

Amigo sent me a text last night welcoming me home.  I didn't respond.  An hour later, at 8PM another text saying "I done with my classes for today!!! It too late."

Now I'm not sure if he meant that it was late in general, or his classes sure do go late, or "it's too late to come and visit you tonight."

(Earlier in the week, before all of the DRAMA, I had asked him to come to my house the night I arrived so we could celebrate my return.  A nice fuck and sleep over were implied)

So, I responded to his texts this morning:

Good Morning Amigo.

I got your texts last night.   I made it back home with no problem.  I had a change of planes in Phoenix, but it was easy.  I got home in the afternoon.

Do you still want to get together on Saturday to talk face to face?

I think meeting for lunch might be a good idea.

Let me know.

His Response:

Good morning (Endearing Spanish Term Removed), 

I'm even interested about you. My feeling are a little be confuse, but there are many things in my mind right now. I hope that we can keep together. I would love see you tonight and figure out a solution together. 

Let me know!!!

Sent from my iPhone

So, I'm going to wait, and let him know that a sleep over tonight is NOT in the cards, and we should talk face to face.  I would like to tell him it's time to take a break, but I'm hoping maybe that's what he will tell me, and then I can just agree.  By the sounds of it though, I think he's going to make it difficult, and not want the clean break.

I hate to keep doing this by e-mail, so maybe we can get together before Saturday and do our face to face.  I also hate to string him along, but also don't want to cause him grief and drama during the school week, as he already has enough on his mind.

Drama. Just what I always wanted.

I'm gonna just unburden myself this morning.

I can't remember how much about my new Amigo I've told you about, but to recap, he's 44.  He's Mexican, here in the US taking international business classes at a local college, 45 minutes from me in Ogden, Utah.

He's also struggling.  He is allowed to work part time at the University, and he uses this money to pay for his school .  Along with a little scholarship money, he barely makes ends meet.  He rents a room in a house, near the University, has no car, but uses the public transit system.  He rides for free as a student.

In December he was very worried about the upcoming semester.  He wasn't going to make it financially.  He was hinting for me to help.  To pitch in, either with financial help, or ask him to move in with me to free up the rent money.

I didn't respond to the hints except to express my concern.  I'm worried that him leaning on me financially will tarnish our relationship.  In the long run, I'm not looking for someone to take care of.  I'm looking for someone to share my life with.  Give and take.

I've wondered too what the Amigo sees in me.  I hope I wasn't just appealing as a meal ticket and a provider, someone to marry for citizenship, but the thought has crossed my mind.

I recently came out to my parents and sister.  This is because it was becoming awkward having the Amigo around on the weekends, and me having to cover my tracks.

Now, my Mom and Sister have both talked with Amigo on FaceTime.  Everyone seems quite happy with the situation.

I thought Amigo had his financial situation figured out, that's what he led me to believe when I asked him about it in a recent phone call, but here is the e-mail exchange we had this morning:


Good morning (Jack), 

I have a question for you. What are your future plans with me, well knowing now that your family knows you are gay and we have been dating for a while ? I don't wanna be rude about this, but I wanna know that you think about this and know what could be my expectations with you.  Maybe you don't know care, but I have my own life and this come with many challenges which you ready know them. I every semester I have many problems, but these have solution so I am usually very stressed about this. In this moment I am again worry  about this, but as I told you these is normal for me.

I am wondering and seeing best for you and I at same time. Have you thought if we can live together latelly. As i told you the last time, I am wondering to ask a some family in (a town)  whom maybe they could help me to live with them and so instead to pay rent a someone else, this money could be paid at School.  Nevertheless, I should know that you're thinking also because you are very important to me. 

SORRY, IF I'M BEING  VERY HONEST, BUT I HAVE TO FIND SOLUTION AND SEE WHICH IS MY CHALLENGES SO FAR.

Thanks,

(Amigo)



Good morning Amigo.

I am glad you are being honest with me.

Right now I am enjoying dating you.  I like hanging out together, and the sex and the cuddling.   I do not want to live together.  That will be too much for me right now.   This is all still very new to me, I have been single for so long, it's difficult for me to change.  I really don't have much experience in relationships.

I told my parents my secret so I would not have to be dishonest with them any more.  It was becoming difficult to explain on the weekends when you were around.   Now I won't have to lie about that anymore.

I know you have your life to live, and I know that you want a serious relationship with someone.  I am worried that I may never want to get THAT serious.  

But, for right now, I enjoy our time together, I hope you do too.


Thanks for being honest and asking the question.



Ok, no problem so this is over. 

I will start to ask to my friends in (a town) and start to go back to the church. 

I hope the best to you and I will walk alone to next step!!! 


Sent from my iPhone


Are you telling me you don't want to see me any more?  Do you want to call?


And then; Silence.

My experience with Amigo has been that there are language difficulties and mis-communication.  I try to be as clear as possible, and skip the niceties.

Also, I've learned not to over react.  Usually, he comes around in a day or two, and it seems that everything is all right.

So, I return home from California tomorrow.  I'm not sure if I will have an Amigo to return to, or not.

Conflicting Desires. Honesty. Dude 443

With all of the nice comments I've been receiving lately, I kind of hate to spoil it by writing about yet another hookup, but I think I need to be honest.  Especially with myself, and this is a great forum to do that.

I just got back from getting a blowjob, in the Albertson's Parking lot.

I feel relieved, but a bit like a heel.

I know Amigo would not want this to occur, but really, we are just dating, right?  I know I haven't made any monogamy commitments, but then why do I feel guilty?

Because Amigo is a nice guy and I'm a nice guy and I know what I just did would hurt his feelings if he found out, and really I don't want to hurt his feelings.

So, here's the long and short of it, for the record.  I'm still in Southern California, 16 days into a 20 day visit.  I've been checking out Grindr, and today, when I went to Lowe's to buy some paint, I took the opportunity to ask a nearby gentleman if he's like to suck me off, and he agreed.

He didn't mention an age, but I'm guessing around 40.  Nice guy.  We met in a parking lot and drove to a secluded corner.  He didn't hesitate to jump in the back seat with me and just go down.

The combination of his skills (7.5/10) and my libido, had me squirting in his mouth in about 5 minutes, unusually fast for me.  Then he wanted to hug me and caress me and do some awkward cuddling, but I just wanted to get back home to Mom's so she wouldn't wondering why it was taking me so long to buy paint.

And so that is that.  Dude #443.  Done.

The cat is out of the bag.

 Well, I did it and it went just like planned.  I even knew when I would break the news.  After we had ordered, but before the food arrived.

I was nervous, but knew I would go through with it.  In fact, I couldn't wait for the time to come, so I could get it over with.  I'm not a procrastinator by nature anyway.

"I have something to tell you both........."

When I was finished, my Dad said, "Well, Okay.  anything else?"

Mom lit up and said, "I'm so happy for you, what's his name?"

We talked about it for a few minutes then Dad said, "Is that turkey bacon any good?" and we proceed to talk about other stuff.  It was all very....um .....anti-climatic.

And, that's a good thing.  Although I thought I was dropping a bomb, it turned out to barely be a water balloon.

I asked them if they knew, or suspected.  Mom said sure, she suspected, but just figured I was asexual.  If she only knew!  I don't think I'm going to let her in on THAT secret and show her my tally sheet.

Dad said friends had asked him before if I was gay or something, but he said he just didn't know.

On the drive home, I called my sister and told her.  I was hoping she would join us for breakfast, but she had to work.  Her reaction was also positive, although she was a little put off that I could find a boyfriend, and she can't.

Once we arrived at my Mom's house, I decided to let Amigo know what I had done, and let my Mom say hi to him, so I used Facetime and we all had a little chat.

So many damn "cat/bag" photos to choose
from on the internet.

Amigo is happy for me too.  Unfortunately, he's a bid sad for himself, being all alone, classes out for the holiday, and work shut down, no family around and I'm 700 miles away.  He would have loved to come on this trip with me.  He asked if he could come,
but, at the time, the cat was still in the bag, and really, it's still too early in our experimental romance to be undertaking a 3 week vacation together.

Thanks for all of the comments and e-mails.  I found that very comforting and helpful.

I'm not sure what's next for Ol' Jack, but I'll keep you posted.

I may be dying

Jack my be dying.  A little at a time, and that's not a bad thing.

You see, my name isn't really Jack.  Jack is the gay guy that lives inside of me.  I suspect there are a lot of Jacks that read my blog.

Jack did all of the fun stuff that I secretly wanted to try.  Jack had all the adventures and hookups, but when it came to romance, well, the line between Jack and myself got a little fuzzy.

A year and a half ago, when I was on a houseboat, on Lake Powell, with a group of gay guys, it was me that got flirted with.  I got hit on by a handsome compact Latino man, and it was me who finally accepted that I could give this thing a try.  I dipped my foot in the romance pool and tested the waters, and guess what?  I liked it.

I'm in California, visiting my parents.  They've been divorced since I was 16, but now, both re-marred we are all in the same city, for a short time for the purpose of a holiday family get together.  I've been at Dad's for a week and a half, and tomorrow morning, we'll all have breakfast together, and Dad will hand me off to Mom, and we'll drive back to her house.

This is when I plan to tell them.

That's the plan at least.

Tell them what?  You know.  It's hard for me to even get the words out.  I'm pretty sure I have the courage, and I've been practicing it in my head.

"Hey, I've been wanting to tell you something.  For a couple months, I've been dating someone, and that someone is another guy."

That's all I have planned for now.  I'm hoping that will crack the door open for a dialog.

I've known for awhile that the time was right for sharing my secret with my parents.  I can't hide it any longer with out being truly deceitful and out right lying.  Not with my Amigo spending weekends at my house.

I don't really want to do this, but it's going to be easier than hiding it the rest of their lives.  I know that things won't really change between us.  Luckily my parents are not like that.  I'm a little ashamed that a 52 year old guy is struggling with the courage to tell his parents a simple truth about himself.

Myself.

So, my faithful blog readers, wish me luck.  Wish me courage.  It's been great to open up to you guys and have you along with me on my journey.

This may be the beginning of the end for Jack, but who knows, maybe I'll pick up where ol Jack left off.

Happy Holidays

Hi Everyone.  Here's a boring update about my situation.

My work project ended last week, and the Amigo came Thursday night and spent the night.  He went back to school Friday, but returned Friday night and spent the entire weekend here.  That seems to be the new norm.  He even returned Monday night, so that's 5 nights in a row I had my cuddle buddy in the bed.

Sleeping with someone else is new for me.  I've spent 51 years sleeping alone.  It's an adjustment, but so far I like it.  I have been thinking a lot about getting a new bed.  It's time.  My old one is at least 20 years old.  It's a full size bed, and not really built for two grown men, even if we're both smaller framed guys.  And it squeaks.  Especially under "extreme" circumstances, which occur frequently when Amigo is around.

I still have difficulty achieving orgasm when having sex.  The amigo is getting better at giving me a nice BJ when I fail.  I love that.  Once however, things still didn't happen for me, and the Amigo gave up after 14 minutes of blowing me.  Last Sunday however, he got on his knees, and I watched some internet porn and he gave me an A+ hoover job.  Man, that was nice.

I can usually get him off with a hand job (something that holds little interest when done to me) in just a few minutes.  He doesn't seem much interested in his own orgasm, but since it's important to me, he allows it to happen.

The next test of our "friendship" is about to occur.

I'm leaving town for three weeks, to visit my parents in Southern California.

I feel bad because Amigo is stuck here.  He's a starving student.  He works at the University, part time to earn money for his tuition.  He's only allowed to work part time.

It's finals week right now, so he's busy with that, but after this week, there is no school.  That means no classes for Amigo, and no work.  He has a 2 or 3 week break with nothing to do, and I'm going to be gone as well.

I am in the middle of composing a long e-mail to tell the Amigo how I feel about our lopsided relationship.  I find face to face communication difficult.  There are so many thoughts running through my head that I want to share, but I can't seem to organize them into words.  It doesn't help that my thoughts and feelings are conflicted.

I'm enjoying the boyfriend experience, but I miss the hookup scene too.  I like being with Amigo, but I like my alone time as well.  I'm not "out" to anyone, so we keep our romance contained to inside the house.  Is that the life I want to have?

I want to wait to send my e-mail to Amigo.  His last final is Thursday.  The same day that I leave town.  I don't want to add any more stress to his life until after his finals.

I spent a couple hours trying to organize and jot down my thought last night.  It didn't help that I was swilling beer.  Or did it?  I'm less reserved while a little tipsy, that's for sure.  I'll take another crack at it today.

As for my extracurricular activities, I've cut way down on hooking up since the Amigo and I have started dating.  Only one NSA hookup, last weekend while he was away.  Unfortunately, I can't say my intentions have been strictly pure.

I still check out Craigslist and Grindr.  I've tried to put together hookups, but they have fallen through.  I'm no angel, that's for sure.  I'm not even sure I want to be.

I think the time apart will be good.  It may give us both valuable reflection time.

Wish me luck, and Happy Holidays everyone.

Amigo and I checking out the lights at Temple Square

Dude 442. Nice NSA morning head.

I guess this post should be more about why I hooked up this morning.

And, should I feel guilty?  If not, why?

The Amigo is out of town.  We knew we couldn't be together this weekend.  I've been jacking off almost daily, mostly because I have time but also, because I knew Amigo wasn't going to be around, and so I had nothing to "save up" for.

First.  The hookup.  Let's get that out of the way.  Then I'll deal with the shame, or guilt, or lack of it.

It's Saturday.  I woke up and looked at porn and drank my coffee, just like every other morning.  Then, I hit the gym.  I turned on Grindr, for two reasons.  To see if the handsome twenty-something hairy otter kid had sent me a message, (we've been messaging for weeks) and secondly, when I'm at the gym, I'm in somewhat new territory, so I might appear to some to be fresh meat.  It's fun to get hit on, even if I have no intentions of getting together.

Did I have intentions of getting together?

Well, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else for coffee, or a beer.

The romantic, emotional void that I had is totally fulfilled by Amigo.  He's not everything I had hoped for, but he's pretty good and I certainly don't have a desire to look for something else along those lines right now.

Sexually, well, I'm still horny.

I'm trying to figure out all that part as well.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be sexually satisfied by one guy again.  I was alone and celibate for so long.  Then, bam, I discovered the NSA hook up and I was like a kid in a candy store.....for the last 6 years!

And, then just as quickly, bam!  I start dating Amigo, and the hookups cease.

I'm still figuring it out.

But where was I?  Oh yah, back to this morning's hookup.

So, I have Grindr on, and a 21 year old Latino kid hits me up.  Very polite, and he exchange pleasantries, then he says "What are you up to this morning."

I told him I was looking for some dick to suck.  He said "I'm looking for the same."

Well, how much easier could it have been?  I'm horny and there's a handsome 21 year old Latino boy who's offering to suck my cock.  We exchange a few more details; He's STD free, he's HIV negative, He'll let me cum in his mouth, and he's free now.  He even wants me to come now instead of taking a shower first, knowing I'm coming from the gym.

So, I show up at a nice house on the east side of SLC.  He's got a room in the basement.  I get the idea he's some kind of exchange student or something, and we chat a little about that.

His profile doesn't give many stats, but had a nice picture of him.  In person, he's not nearly as tall as I thought, maybe 5'4".  He's about 150 or 160, so not fat, but not skinny.  From his photo, I didn't expect that he was slender anyway.

Once in his room I quickly shuck my sweatpants, gym shorts and Dr. Suess Grinch boxer shorts.

He gives a pretty good BJ.  I'd give it a 7 out of 10.  He want's to kiss, but I decline.

"Why?"  he asks.

I lie and tell him I don't like kissing guys.

"But you let them suck your dick?" he asks.

Truth is, I'm still a bit old fashioned about kissing.  To me, kissing is romance.  It's attraction.  It's affection.  It's not part of NSA sex.  NSA sex, to me is all about the sucking or the fucking.

That's not to say, I haven't been caught up in the heat of NSA sex, and been all fired up and sucked into a passionate fiery mack session, because I surely have.

I told the kid he could kiss my neck if he wanted, and indeed he did.  He gave me great head.  He pulled my shirt off, and and lay on top of me and kissed my neck, hairy chest and went back to sucking me.

When I made a grab for his hard dick, obviously stiff in his flannel pajama type lounge pants, he warned me, "be careful, because I cum fast......"

I quit fumbling for his dick, as I didn't want him cumming and then calling the whole thing off.

True to my being, after 15 minutes of sucking and playing around, I felt my orgasm building and told the kid about it.  He stayed on task and as I was about to explode, I clamped down on his head, he pulled one hand free and jammed his finger in my mouth.

In the heat of orgasm, I had to fight the urge to bite down hard, but I was mainly focused on my cum spurting into his hot mouth, as he mercilessly milked me with is tongue.

When I came back to earth and caught my breath, I released him and I could tell he had my gob still in his mouth.  I told him if he needed to spit, it was fine with me and he left the room for a minute.

I put my gym clothes back on and when he returned his boner was still tenting out his lounge pants but now there was the addition of a huge wet spot.  I'm not sure if he cummed, or whether it was just pre-cum.  Either way, it spoke to me more than words that the kid enjoyed himself too.  Even if he didn't cum, he could jack off to the fresh memory, and maybe event he fresh taste of my jizz that he just spit out.

So, where does that leave me?

I don't know.

I'd love to share this with Amigo, but I know he wouldn't want to hear it.  I'm resigned to tell him the truth if he asks.

I also debated about writing about it.

To my readers, many of whom have reached out to me in comments and e-mails, I kind of didn't want to disappoint you by appearing to back slide, but again, I feel that honesty, with you, and especially with myself, might be critical at this point of my journey.

So, there you have it.  Did I stumble or am I back on the hook up path?  Time will tell.

Pornography Addiction

The Amigo doesn't like me looking at Pornography.

It's no secret that I have trouble cumming with Amigo.

Although it feels great, fucking just does not get me off.  Not usually anyway.

Thinking back, fucking has not always been a sure fire way for me to cum.  Back to my first real girlfriend, when I was 17.

She was my first.  I was her first (or so she told me).

I remember one night, in the back of my Mom's car, in the parking lot of a a grocery store, pounding away until her pussy dried out, and even though I finally orgasmed, I'm sure I caused her some discomfort and I ended up with an abrasion on my penis, because I refused to give up, even after rubbing us both raw.

I guess it comes as no surprise, that I have trouble now, as a 52 year old guy, cumming while fucking my Amigos very wonderful butt.

He finally told me he doesn't like me looking at porn.  I told him I'd been doing it for years.  Decades!  He expected me to drop it, just like that?

In his thick Mexican accent, he said, "Ok, you were doing it for a long time, but now you have someone real.  You don't need it anymore.  It makes me feel sad that you looking at pornography and still you not cumming with me.  I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me."

I totally agreed with him.  He does deserve that.  I told him so, and I meant it.  If I'm not that guy, then so be it.

But, I have no intention of giving up porn.  I understand his concern.  I guess it would be natural to come to those conclusions, but for me it's much more complicated. I will admit and concede that porn is an addiction.  I know it's epidemic and it's a problem, especially now that it's soooooo available in today's anonymous internet world.

And, still.  I love it.  Maybe this is what smokers feel like about their cigarettes.

I have no idea whether porn has an effect on our sex life, and my ability to cum with him.  I do know (or at least I think I know) that quitting porn cold turkey would have little or no effect on me being able to cum with him.  I'm willing to give it a try if we get to a point where daily sex with him is an option.  Right now, with our "weekend only" dating schedule, it's out of the question.

Here's a couple things that came out of this weekend's discussions:

I told Amigo that I would quit looking at porn, for the remainder of the day, once I cum.  Whether that be by fucking or blow job.  He doesn't really like blowing me, because it requires 10-15 minutes of sucking for me, in order for me to cum, but, it's a pretty sure fire way to do it.  And, even though he doesn't love to blow me, he gives awesome head.  ;)

So, I think, in theory anyway,  we will fuck, which pleasures him, (there is NO question about that) and if it fails to make me cum, he will blow me.......after a sufficient cock washing, which I totally understand.  (sometimes the technical aspect of gay sex is sooooo inconvenient!)

The happy ending to this post, is, this morning, I woke up, had my coffee, looked at e-mails, some porn, and then went to the gym, as the Amigo slept.  Pretty normal stuff.

When I returned, he was waiting for me, and when I went into the bedroom, the bed was covered with the "fuck blanket."  There was lube and some small towels standing by.  His way of taking charge and initiating coitus.

And, although it didn't happen on the first pass, I did manage to cum while fucking, then he got himself off shortly thereafter.

Our 5-night-in-a-row extravaganza ended on quite a happy note.

Sorry for rambling.  I've had a few beers (how strange) and needed to vent.

I hope this isn't too pedestrian, but this relationship stuff is as new to me as the hook up stuff was just a few short years ago.  It's probably a walk in the park for the rest of you!

This pic has nothing to do with anything, except:
It looks an awful lot like a friend/acquaintance
of mine, an he was (in my opinion) quite accurately
described as a "hot nerd."

I'm such a dork.

Amigo came over Tueday night.  I'm off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving through the week end.  Woo Hoo!

It was early evening and I went for the boner pill, as soon as I got home.  Amigo was already here waiting for me.

We cuddled on the couch for a bit, and started getting frisky.  I thought I would be spontaneous and I pulled down Amigos pants and blew him in the living room, then I pulled him up and bent him over the couch as I lowered my own Levis, and boxers.

"You don't want to go up to the bed?"  Amigo questioned?

"Be quite and get ready to get fucked,"  I growled in mock bravado.

I ran to the dark kitchen and grabbed the olive oil, like I'd done once before.   A good ol' impromptu fuck.  No romance.  No warning.  Animalistic.

Amigo was just as I left him.  Bent over the couch.  Jeans around his ankles.  Waiting for the initial puncture.

I poured a little oil from the bottle into his crack.  It's less viscous than lube for sure.  What the heck.  I worked some in with a finger.

What's going on?  This isn't slippery at all.  What's that smell?

Shit!  That's not the olive oil!  It's the rice wine vinegar!

Oh god.  Mood spoiled.  Much laughter.

And I wasn't in the mood for tossed salad anyway.

El fin de semana sin Amigo.

Sorry not to much to report here.

Back when I first started reading blogs and then starting one of my own, I had two pet peeves.  Bloggers that would suddenly disappear,  (I won't name names) and bloggers that would get post an entry saying they had nothing to say.

Now I see the conundrum.

If I have nothing new to report, perhaps I should just disappear?

Well, at least an update is in order.

Amigo seems just as smitten with me as ever.  He got a little "moody" when he offered to spend all of next week at my house, because he had the whole week off from work and school.  He even offered to sleep in my tiny guest room Sunday and Monday night so I wold get a good night's rest, because, unlike him I do have to work on Monday and Tuesday.

I declined the offer, but said I would like him to come Tuesday night, and he could spend the rest of the week.

I got the silent treatment for a day.

Then, I asked if he could come last Friday night and spend the weekend.  He had to work early Saturday morning, and had another function that evening.  He could have spent Sunday here, but alas, Utah's public transportation system is almost non-functioning on the Sabbath,  and he would have spend 4 hours traveling here and back to spend a couple hours here.

Yes, I could have driven there.  I could have picked him up, but gee whiz.  We're going to spend over 4 whole days together, starting Tuesday night, so why bother?

As it turns out, he came up on the train Friday night, was waiting in the house when I got home from work, and I took him back to the train at 6:AM Saturday morning, so he could get to work.

I've been on my own basically since I moved out of my Mom's house at age 18.  I've never had a live in romantic interest, neither male nor female.  Honestly, I like being alone, and I'm worried I'll have trouble with this adjustment, if it works out.

But, I'm determined to cross that bridge when I burn it.

I'm constantly surprising myself anyway.

I had no idea that cuddling on the couch, or napping with Amigo would be so damn enjoyable!

So, that's my life for now.

Okay.  There's a little more:

Since Amigo wasn't around, most of the weekend,  I went looking for a hookup.  I even posted an ad on Craigslist yesterday.  I got a few interested flakes, but found no one to blow me and I ended up jacking off to some great internet porn.

This morning, I left Grindr on for hours and hours and barely got a nibble.  I responded to a few CL posts, but got nothing.  Again, I jerked off, and then I was fine.

What's this mean?  I don't' know.  I'm doing what I can.  What I know.

By the way, Amigo and I haven't made any sort of monogamy agreement, although I would be totally shocked to find out if he was getting any on the side.  He's always calling me "his man." and he has some other choice nick names for me. (maybe one day, I'll share)

Our feelings for each other are a bit lopsided.  I'm hanging in there, and time will tell if my feelings for him grow stronger.  He deserves better, I know.

Maybe some day I will be better.

A photo we took of the sunset at the Great Salt Lake a couple of weeks ago.

What have I become.

Sorry for the ramblings here readers.  This is not the kind of hook up stuff you have been coming here for.

I'm a little lost.

I don't know where this boyfriend thing is taking me.  This is uncharted territory.  I'm like a cat, chasing a mouse, and once I've snatched it, I don't know what to do with it.

I was certainly expecting this all to end before it got this far.

I like the new Amigo, and I certainly like that he is so smitten with me, although I can't really figure out why.  I'm also worried where it might all lead.  What if I start to have feelings for him like he has for me?

One problem we would face is a matter of Citizenship.  Amigo in not an American Citizen. He's here on a Student Visa.  I'm not sure what his plans are when he finishes school.  Well, I've asked him, and he hasn't given me a real answer, or at least one I understand.  We still have some communication issues.

Although I don't think he's seeing me because he wants a green card though marriage, I'm sure it wold thrill him to no end to get married.  Hell, I'm not even out of the closet, yet alone put something like marriage on the table.  Speaking of being in the closet, I think this is the first time I've admitted that!  Until now, I've just been a horny guy that likes dick!

Oh God.  I just have so many concerns about all of this.

I'm tired of the charade.  Every weekend I have a conversation with my Father in San Diego on Saturday, and then Sunday is my Mom's turn.  She also lives in California.

For the last two months, Amigo sits patiently and quietly, with his laptop, while I have chats with my folks.  It would be nice if they knew Amigo was here.  It would be nice to let them know I have a friend here that loves me and wants me to dick him again, and please cut the conversation short because there are a couple horny guys that want to get it on.

Okay, they don't need to know that.  But I have told two friends about me.  Both are women and both love me unconditionally, and both are very happy for me.  They both live far away, one in Iowa and one in Germany.  I Skype my friend in Germany most every week, and she is always happy to say Hi to Amigo.  She now refers to him as "your boyfriend".  It sounds so very strange to me.

I've even had thoughts of "coming out" to my parents this Holiday Season, when I'm there this year.

I really don't want to, but I don't think there will be any repercussions, except that the cat will be out of the bag, so to speak, and the family will be free to gossip.

Thanks for reading....if in fact you've read this far.  Not very steamy stuff, I know.

And speaking of steamy stuff....

I have lost some of my desire for hooking up.  I still look at Craigslist and Grindr.  But, I find myself not responding to them.  I'm worried about bringing something nasty back to Amigo.  It was a risk I was willing to take when I was just on my own.

That's not to say I have been exclusive with Amigo.  I have been with two regulars since meeting Amigo.  There's another regular I would love to get with, but he's a businessman that only makes it to town once a month or so, and he didn't make it here last month.  When he comes, I'll get with him, if at all possible.

So, for now, I'm pushing my fears down.  I'm resisting the urge to fuck things up with Amigo, just to cut him loose.  I'm going to enjoy the ride, and take my lumps as they come in the future.

I just hope I don't hurt too much.