The cat is out of the bag.

 Well, I did it and it went just like planned.  I even knew when I would break the news.  After we had ordered, but before the food arrived.

I was nervous, but knew I would go through with it.  In fact, I couldn't wait for the time to come, so I could get it over with.  I'm not a procrastinator by nature anyway.

"I have something to tell you both........."

When I was finished, my Dad said, "Well, Okay.  anything else?"

Mom lit up and said, "I'm so happy for you, what's his name?"

We talked about it for a few minutes then Dad said, "Is that turkey bacon any good?" and we proceed to talk about other stuff.  It was all very....um .....anti-climatic.

And, that's a good thing.  Although I thought I was dropping a bomb, it turned out to barely be a water balloon.

I asked them if they knew, or suspected.  Mom said sure, she suspected, but just figured I was asexual.  If she only knew!  I don't think I'm going to let her in on THAT secret and show her my tally sheet.

Dad said friends had asked him before if I was gay or something, but he said he just didn't know.

On the drive home, I called my sister and told her.  I was hoping she would join us for breakfast, but she had to work.  Her reaction was also positive, although she was a little put off that I could find a boyfriend, and she can't.

Once we arrived at my Mom's house, I decided to let Amigo know what I had done, and let my Mom say hi to him, so I used Facetime and we all had a little chat.

So many damn "cat/bag" photos to choose
from on the internet.

Amigo is happy for me too.  Unfortunately, he's a bid sad for himself, being all alone, classes out for the holiday, and work shut down, no family around and I'm 700 miles away.  He would have loved to come on this trip with me.  He asked if he could come,
but, at the time, the cat was still in the bag, and really, it's still too early in our experimental romance to be undertaking a 3 week vacation together.

Thanks for all of the comments and e-mails.  I found that very comforting and helpful.

I'm not sure what's next for Ol' Jack, but I'll keep you posted.

I may be dying

Jack my be dying.  A little at a time, and that's not a bad thing.

You see, my name isn't really Jack.  Jack is the gay guy that lives inside of me.  I suspect there are a lot of Jacks that read my blog.

Jack did all of the fun stuff that I secretly wanted to try.  Jack had all the adventures and hookups, but when it came to romance, well, the line between Jack and myself got a little fuzzy.

A year and a half ago, when I was on a houseboat, on Lake Powell, with a group of gay guys, it was me that got flirted with.  I got hit on by a handsome compact Latino man, and it was me who finally accepted that I could give this thing a try.  I dipped my foot in the romance pool and tested the waters, and guess what?  I liked it.

I'm in California, visiting my parents.  They've been divorced since I was 16, but now, both re-marred we are all in the same city, for a short time for the purpose of a holiday family get together.  I've been at Dad's for a week and a half, and tomorrow morning, we'll all have breakfast together, and Dad will hand me off to Mom, and we'll drive back to her house.

This is when I plan to tell them.

That's the plan at least.

Tell them what?  You know.  It's hard for me to even get the words out.  I'm pretty sure I have the courage, and I've been practicing it in my head.

"Hey, I've been wanting to tell you something.  For a couple months, I've been dating someone, and that someone is another guy."

That's all I have planned for now.  I'm hoping that will crack the door open for a dialog.

I've known for awhile that the time was right for sharing my secret with my parents.  I can't hide it any longer with out being truly deceitful and out right lying.  Not with my Amigo spending weekends at my house.

I don't really want to do this, but it's going to be easier than hiding it the rest of their lives.  I know that things won't really change between us.  Luckily my parents are not like that.  I'm a little ashamed that a 52 year old guy is struggling with the courage to tell his parents a simple truth about himself.

Myself.

So, my faithful blog readers, wish me luck.  Wish me courage.  It's been great to open up to you guys and have you along with me on my journey.

This may be the beginning of the end for Jack, but who knows, maybe I'll pick up where ol Jack left off.

Happy Holidays

Hi Everyone.  Here's a boring update about my situation.

My work project ended last week, and the Amigo came Thursday night and spent the night.  He went back to school Friday, but returned Friday night and spent the entire weekend here.  That seems to be the new norm.  He even returned Monday night, so that's 5 nights in a row I had my cuddle buddy in the bed.

Sleeping with someone else is new for me.  I've spent 51 years sleeping alone.  It's an adjustment, but so far I like it.  I have been thinking a lot about getting a new bed.  It's time.  My old one is at least 20 years old.  It's a full size bed, and not really built for two grown men, even if we're both smaller framed guys.  And it squeaks.  Especially under "extreme" circumstances, which occur frequently when Amigo is around.

I still have difficulty achieving orgasm when having sex.  The amigo is getting better at giving me a nice BJ when I fail.  I love that.  Once however, things still didn't happen for me, and the Amigo gave up after 14 minutes of blowing me.  Last Sunday however, he got on his knees, and I watched some internet porn and he gave me an A+ hoover job.  Man, that was nice.

I can usually get him off with a hand job (something that holds little interest when done to me) in just a few minutes.  He doesn't seem much interested in his own orgasm, but since it's important to me, he allows it to happen.

The next test of our "friendship" is about to occur.

I'm leaving town for three weeks, to visit my parents in Southern California.

I feel bad because Amigo is stuck here.  He's a starving student.  He works at the University, part time to earn money for his tuition.  He's only allowed to work part time.

It's finals week right now, so he's busy with that, but after this week, there is no school.  That means no classes for Amigo, and no work.  He has a 2 or 3 week break with nothing to do, and I'm going to be gone as well.

I am in the middle of composing a long e-mail to tell the Amigo how I feel about our lopsided relationship.  I find face to face communication difficult.  There are so many thoughts running through my head that I want to share, but I can't seem to organize them into words.  It doesn't help that my thoughts and feelings are conflicted.

I'm enjoying the boyfriend experience, but I miss the hookup scene too.  I like being with Amigo, but I like my alone time as well.  I'm not "out" to anyone, so we keep our romance contained to inside the house.  Is that the life I want to have?

I want to wait to send my e-mail to Amigo.  His last final is Thursday.  The same day that I leave town.  I don't want to add any more stress to his life until after his finals.

I spent a couple hours trying to organize and jot down my thought last night.  It didn't help that I was swilling beer.  Or did it?  I'm less reserved while a little tipsy, that's for sure.  I'll take another crack at it today.

As for my extracurricular activities, I've cut way down on hooking up since the Amigo and I have started dating.  Only one NSA hookup, last weekend while he was away.  Unfortunately, I can't say my intentions have been strictly pure.

I still check out Craigslist and Grindr.  I've tried to put together hookups, but they have fallen through.  I'm no angel, that's for sure.  I'm not even sure I want to be.

I think the time apart will be good.  It may give us both valuable reflection time.

Wish me luck, and Happy Holidays everyone.

Amigo and I checking out the lights at Temple Square

Dude 442. Nice NSA morning head.

I guess this post should be more about why I hooked up this morning.

And, should I feel guilty?  If not, why?

The Amigo is out of town.  We knew we couldn't be together this weekend.  I've been jacking off almost daily, mostly because I have time but also, because I knew Amigo wasn't going to be around, and so I had nothing to "save up" for.

First.  The hookup.  Let's get that out of the way.  Then I'll deal with the shame, or guilt, or lack of it.

It's Saturday.  I woke up and looked at porn and drank my coffee, just like every other morning.  Then, I hit the gym.  I turned on Grindr, for two reasons.  To see if the handsome twenty-something hairy otter kid had sent me a message, (we've been messaging for weeks) and secondly, when I'm at the gym, I'm in somewhat new territory, so I might appear to some to be fresh meat.  It's fun to get hit on, even if I have no intentions of getting together.

Did I have intentions of getting together?

Well, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else for coffee, or a beer.

The romantic, emotional void that I had is totally fulfilled by Amigo.  He's not everything I had hoped for, but he's pretty good and I certainly don't have a desire to look for something else along those lines right now.

Sexually, well, I'm still horny.

I'm trying to figure out all that part as well.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be sexually satisfied by one guy again.  I was alone and celibate for so long.  Then, bam, I discovered the NSA hook up and I was like a kid in a candy store.....for the last 6 years!

And, then just as quickly, bam!  I start dating Amigo, and the hookups cease.

I'm still figuring it out.

But where was I?  Oh yah, back to this morning's hookup.

So, I have Grindr on, and a 21 year old Latino kid hits me up.  Very polite, and he exchange pleasantries, then he says "What are you up to this morning."

I told him I was looking for some dick to suck.  He said "I'm looking for the same."

Well, how much easier could it have been?  I'm horny and there's a handsome 21 year old Latino boy who's offering to suck my cock.  We exchange a few more details; He's STD free, he's HIV negative, He'll let me cum in his mouth, and he's free now.  He even wants me to come now instead of taking a shower first, knowing I'm coming from the gym.

So, I show up at a nice house on the east side of SLC.  He's got a room in the basement.  I get the idea he's some kind of exchange student or something, and we chat a little about that.

His profile doesn't give many stats, but had a nice picture of him.  In person, he's not nearly as tall as I thought, maybe 5'4".  He's about 150 or 160, so not fat, but not skinny.  From his photo, I didn't expect that he was slender anyway.

Once in his room I quickly shuck my sweatpants, gym shorts and Dr. Suess Grinch boxer shorts.

He gives a pretty good BJ.  I'd give it a 7 out of 10.  He want's to kiss, but I decline.

"Why?"  he asks.

I lie and tell him I don't like kissing guys.

"But you let them suck your dick?" he asks.

Truth is, I'm still a bit old fashioned about kissing.  To me, kissing is romance.  It's attraction.  It's affection.  It's not part of NSA sex.  NSA sex, to me is all about the sucking or the fucking.

That's not to say, I haven't been caught up in the heat of NSA sex, and been all fired up and sucked into a passionate fiery mack session, because I surely have.

I told the kid he could kiss my neck if he wanted, and indeed he did.  He gave me great head.  He pulled my shirt off, and and lay on top of me and kissed my neck, hairy chest and went back to sucking me.

When I made a grab for his hard dick, obviously stiff in his flannel pajama type lounge pants, he warned me, "be careful, because I cum fast......"

I quit fumbling for his dick, as I didn't want him cumming and then calling the whole thing off.

True to my being, after 15 minutes of sucking and playing around, I felt my orgasm building and told the kid about it.  He stayed on task and as I was about to explode, I clamped down on his head, he pulled one hand free and jammed his finger in my mouth.

In the heat of orgasm, I had to fight the urge to bite down hard, but I was mainly focused on my cum spurting into his hot mouth, as he mercilessly milked me with is tongue.

When I came back to earth and caught my breath, I released him and I could tell he had my gob still in his mouth.  I told him if he needed to spit, it was fine with me and he left the room for a minute.

I put my gym clothes back on and when he returned his boner was still tenting out his lounge pants but now there was the addition of a huge wet spot.  I'm not sure if he cummed, or whether it was just pre-cum.  Either way, it spoke to me more than words that the kid enjoyed himself too.  Even if he didn't cum, he could jack off to the fresh memory, and maybe event he fresh taste of my jizz that he just spit out.

So, where does that leave me?

I don't know.

I'd love to share this with Amigo, but I know he wouldn't want to hear it.  I'm resigned to tell him the truth if he asks.

I also debated about writing about it.

To my readers, many of whom have reached out to me in comments and e-mails, I kind of didn't want to disappoint you by appearing to back slide, but again, I feel that honesty, with you, and especially with myself, might be critical at this point of my journey.

So, there you have it.  Did I stumble or am I back on the hook up path?  Time will tell.

Pornography Addiction

The Amigo doesn't like me looking at Pornography.

It's no secret that I have trouble cumming with Amigo.

Although it feels great, fucking just does not get me off.  Not usually anyway.

Thinking back, fucking has not always been a sure fire way for me to cum.  Back to my first real girlfriend, when I was 17.

She was my first.  I was her first (or so she told me).

I remember one night, in the back of my Mom's car, in the parking lot of a a grocery store, pounding away until her pussy dried out, and even though I finally orgasmed, I'm sure I caused her some discomfort and I ended up with an abrasion on my penis, because I refused to give up, even after rubbing us both raw.

I guess it comes as no surprise, that I have trouble now, as a 52 year old guy, cumming while fucking my Amigos very wonderful butt.

He finally told me he doesn't like me looking at porn.  I told him I'd been doing it for years.  Decades!  He expected me to drop it, just like that?

In his thick Mexican accent, he said, "Ok, you were doing it for a long time, but now you have someone real.  You don't need it anymore.  It makes me feel sad that you looking at pornography and still you not cumming with me.  I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me."

I totally agreed with him.  He does deserve that.  I told him so, and I meant it.  If I'm not that guy, then so be it.

But, I have no intention of giving up porn.  I understand his concern.  I guess it would be natural to come to those conclusions, but for me it's much more complicated. I will admit and concede that porn is an addiction.  I know it's epidemic and it's a problem, especially now that it's soooooo available in today's anonymous internet world.

And, still.  I love it.  Maybe this is what smokers feel like about their cigarettes.

I have no idea whether porn has an effect on our sex life, and my ability to cum with him.  I do know (or at least I think I know) that quitting porn cold turkey would have little or no effect on me being able to cum with him.  I'm willing to give it a try if we get to a point where daily sex with him is an option.  Right now, with our "weekend only" dating schedule, it's out of the question.

Here's a couple things that came out of this weekend's discussions:

I told Amigo that I would quit looking at porn, for the remainder of the day, once I cum.  Whether that be by fucking or blow job.  He doesn't really like blowing me, because it requires 10-15 minutes of sucking for me, in order for me to cum, but, it's a pretty sure fire way to do it.  And, even though he doesn't love to blow me, he gives awesome head.  ;)

So, I think, in theory anyway,  we will fuck, which pleasures him, (there is NO question about that) and if it fails to make me cum, he will blow me.......after a sufficient cock washing, which I totally understand.  (sometimes the technical aspect of gay sex is sooooo inconvenient!)

The happy ending to this post, is, this morning, I woke up, had my coffee, looked at e-mails, some porn, and then went to the gym, as the Amigo slept.  Pretty normal stuff.

When I returned, he was waiting for me, and when I went into the bedroom, the bed was covered with the "fuck blanket."  There was lube and some small towels standing by.  His way of taking charge and initiating coitus.

And, although it didn't happen on the first pass, I did manage to cum while fucking, then he got himself off shortly thereafter.

Our 5-night-in-a-row extravaganza ended on quite a happy note.

Sorry for rambling.  I've had a few beers (how strange) and needed to vent.

I hope this isn't too pedestrian, but this relationship stuff is as new to me as the hook up stuff was just a few short years ago.  It's probably a walk in the park for the rest of you!

This pic has nothing to do with anything, except:
It looks an awful lot like a friend/acquaintance
of mine, an he was (in my opinion) quite accurately
described as a "hot nerd."

I'm such a dork.

Amigo came over Tueday night.  I'm off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving through the week end.  Woo Hoo!

It was early evening and I went for the boner pill, as soon as I got home.  Amigo was already here waiting for me.

We cuddled on the couch for a bit, and started getting frisky.  I thought I would be spontaneous and I pulled down Amigos pants and blew him in the living room, then I pulled him up and bent him over the couch as I lowered my own Levis, and boxers.

"You don't want to go up to the bed?"  Amigo questioned?

"Be quite and get ready to get fucked,"  I growled in mock bravado.

I ran to the dark kitchen and grabbed the olive oil, like I'd done once before.   A good ol' impromptu fuck.  No romance.  No warning.  Animalistic.

Amigo was just as I left him.  Bent over the couch.  Jeans around his ankles.  Waiting for the initial puncture.

I poured a little oil from the bottle into his crack.  It's less viscous than lube for sure.  What the heck.  I worked some in with a finger.

What's going on?  This isn't slippery at all.  What's that smell?

Shit!  That's not the olive oil!  It's the rice wine vinegar!

Oh god.  Mood spoiled.  Much laughter.

And I wasn't in the mood for tossed salad anyway.

El fin de semana sin Amigo.

Sorry not to much to report here.

Back when I first started reading blogs and then starting one of my own, I had two pet peeves.  Bloggers that would suddenly disappear,  (I won't name names) and bloggers that would get post an entry saying they had nothing to say.

Now I see the conundrum.

If I have nothing new to report, perhaps I should just disappear?

Well, at least an update is in order.

Amigo seems just as smitten with me as ever.  He got a little "moody" when he offered to spend all of next week at my house, because he had the whole week off from work and school.  He even offered to sleep in my tiny guest room Sunday and Monday night so I wold get a good night's rest, because, unlike him I do have to work on Monday and Tuesday.

I declined the offer, but said I would like him to come Tuesday night, and he could spend the rest of the week.

I got the silent treatment for a day.

Then, I asked if he could come last Friday night and spend the weekend.  He had to work early Saturday morning, and had another function that evening.  He could have spent Sunday here, but alas, Utah's public transportation system is almost non-functioning on the Sabbath,  and he would have spend 4 hours traveling here and back to spend a couple hours here.

Yes, I could have driven there.  I could have picked him up, but gee whiz.  We're going to spend over 4 whole days together, starting Tuesday night, so why bother?

As it turns out, he came up on the train Friday night, was waiting in the house when I got home from work, and I took him back to the train at 6:AM Saturday morning, so he could get to work.

I've been on my own basically since I moved out of my Mom's house at age 18.  I've never had a live in romantic interest, neither male nor female.  Honestly, I like being alone, and I'm worried I'll have trouble with this adjustment, if it works out.

But, I'm determined to cross that bridge when I burn it.

I'm constantly surprising myself anyway.

I had no idea that cuddling on the couch, or napping with Amigo would be so damn enjoyable!

So, that's my life for now.

Okay.  There's a little more:

Since Amigo wasn't around, most of the weekend,  I went looking for a hookup.  I even posted an ad on Craigslist yesterday.  I got a few interested flakes, but found no one to blow me and I ended up jacking off to some great internet porn.

This morning, I left Grindr on for hours and hours and barely got a nibble.  I responded to a few CL posts, but got nothing.  Again, I jerked off, and then I was fine.

What's this mean?  I don't' know.  I'm doing what I can.  What I know.

By the way, Amigo and I haven't made any sort of monogamy agreement, although I would be totally shocked to find out if he was getting any on the side.  He's always calling me "his man." and he has some other choice nick names for me. (maybe one day, I'll share)

Our feelings for each other are a bit lopsided.  I'm hanging in there, and time will tell if my feelings for him grow stronger.  He deserves better, I know.

Maybe some day I will be better.

A photo we took of the sunset at the Great Salt Lake a couple of weeks ago.

What have I become.

Sorry for the ramblings here readers.  This is not the kind of hook up stuff you have been coming here for.

I'm a little lost.

I don't know where this boyfriend thing is taking me.  This is uncharted territory.  I'm like a cat, chasing a mouse, and once I've snatched it, I don't know what to do with it.

I was certainly expecting this all to end before it got this far.

I like the new Amigo, and I certainly like that he is so smitten with me, although I can't really figure out why.  I'm also worried where it might all lead.  What if I start to have feelings for him like he has for me?

One problem we would face is a matter of Citizenship.  Amigo in not an American Citizen. He's here on a Student Visa.  I'm not sure what his plans are when he finishes school.  Well, I've asked him, and he hasn't given me a real answer, or at least one I understand.  We still have some communication issues.

Although I don't think he's seeing me because he wants a green card though marriage, I'm sure it wold thrill him to no end to get married.  Hell, I'm not even out of the closet, yet alone put something like marriage on the table.  Speaking of being in the closet, I think this is the first time I've admitted that!  Until now, I've just been a horny guy that likes dick!

Oh God.  I just have so many concerns about all of this.

I'm tired of the charade.  Every weekend I have a conversation with my Father in San Diego on Saturday, and then Sunday is my Mom's turn.  She also lives in California.

For the last two months, Amigo sits patiently and quietly, with his laptop, while I have chats with my folks.  It would be nice if they knew Amigo was here.  It would be nice to let them know I have a friend here that loves me and wants me to dick him again, and please cut the conversation short because there are a couple horny guys that want to get it on.

Okay, they don't need to know that.  But I have told two friends about me.  Both are women and both love me unconditionally, and both are very happy for me.  They both live far away, one in Iowa and one in Germany.  I Skype my friend in Germany most every week, and she is always happy to say Hi to Amigo.  She now refers to him as "your boyfriend".  It sounds so very strange to me.

I've even had thoughts of "coming out" to my parents this Holiday Season, when I'm there this year.

I really don't want to, but I don't think there will be any repercussions, except that the cat will be out of the bag, so to speak, and the family will be free to gossip.

Thanks for reading....if in fact you've read this far.  Not very steamy stuff, I know.

And speaking of steamy stuff....

I have lost some of my desire for hooking up.  I still look at Craigslist and Grindr.  But, I find myself not responding to them.  I'm worried about bringing something nasty back to Amigo.  It was a risk I was willing to take when I was just on my own.

That's not to say I have been exclusive with Amigo.  I have been with two regulars since meeting Amigo.  There's another regular I would love to get with, but he's a businessman that only makes it to town once a month or so, and he didn't make it here last month.  When he comes, I'll get with him, if at all possible.

So, for now, I'm pushing my fears down.  I'm resisting the urge to fuck things up with Amigo, just to cut him loose.  I'm going to enjoy the ride, and take my lumps as they come in the future.

I just hope I don't hurt too much.

Still trouble with cummng

Good Morning Diary.

The Amigo once again is here.  He's back in bed.  I say "back" although he never really left.  He was all over me last night.  Not in a bad way, but he was curled up to me the entire night.

This morning as we were waking and drifting back to sleep, he went for my dick.  I know what he wants.

I'm plenty hard.  Morning wood helps.  We fuck for a good twenty minutes until I start to go soft and my back muscles get tired.  It feels great the entire time, and yet, the "switch" never gets flipped.

It seems totally random as to when I will cum or not cum.  There is no cause and effect.  It's just Russian Roulette with my poorly loaded gun.

It feels nice though.  Good.  Great in fact!

One advantage to not cumming is that Amigo will get fucked again this morning, and then this afternoon if that doesn't work out.

And don't worry that I'm overly concerned about HIS pleasure.  He likes it.  Loves it.  Needs it!  So I'm not worried there.  I'm focusing on me.  I want this more than him.

At least I think I do.

Update.  2 hours later, we're at it again.  At first its a failure, but I don't go totally soft so I keep trying.  We switch positions, and then, for no reason what so ever, I know it's going to happen and BAM.  We're both happy.

Frustration

Things are going pretty good with the Amigo.  Even the fucking is good, and Amigo LOVES me to fuck him.

He is now relaxed and lets me push inside, with little or no fingering or loosening up.  And I like it too.  His ass feels so nice, and it just feels great.

Why is it that my body betrays me and I don't orgasm?

I fuck and fuck and fuck, until my dick goes limp, or, if I've take 25 mg or my little blue friend, I fuck and fuck and fuck until my back muscles are just plain worn out.  And still, I do not cum.  Usually I don't even get close.

Grrrr.  So frustrating.  For both of us.

Amigo wants me to cum, so bad, and of course I want to as well.

If I look back through my history, I've had trouble with cumming, even with girls.  I lost my virginity when I was 17 with my first ever girlfriend Tina.  We used the "pull out" method the first few times, and then a pregnancy scare forced us to use condoms.  That totally killed it for me, and I even used male fantasy to help me achieve orgasm.

My last girlfriend, when I was in my late 20s, I could fuck and fuck and fuck too, and not cum.  The poor girl.  I remember her having to put a cool damp washcloth on her pussy one night, after I just kept pounding away, trying to cum.

So, yah, I know I have a problem, but I don't know how to solve it.  I guess I'll just keep trying different things.  We're both getting pleasure for sure, but it's kind of like working at a job you love, but never receiving a paycheck.

http://youtu.be/yidiSX2fwgo

Thanks for the shout-out Buddy Bear.

If you've stumbled upon my blog, from Buddy Bear's, then welcome!

The truth is, the last few posts make for dull hum-drum reading.   I've recently cut way down on hooking up, so there's been nothing too exciting to blog about.

Instead, read a couple of posts from my beginning, where hooking up was fresh and new and I was as giddy as a school girl in a candy store.  I think I'm incorrectly mixing my metaphors
here, but you get the idea.

So, use the archive to the right, and read from the beginning, or, just click here.

Thanks for stopping by.

Jack.

Me, 5 years and 10 lbs ago.  I was too
skinny anyway.  By the way, holding
one's arms  over one's head makes
one's beer belly look flat.

Dude 441. Still. More. Again.

Yes, Dude 441 is my Amigo.  My wanna be boyfriend.  The 44 year old guy asleep in the next room who actually looks more like a 33 year old.

We had a nice dinner at a nice restaurant last night, to celebrate his 44th Birthday.

He arrived Friday evening and I picked him up and we came home and fucked.  He loves to fuck.  I like it too and I think we are in sync, but dammit, I can not seem to cum.  Even when I take the 25mg of my little blue friend.   Still he loves it and last night I insisted that he cum while I fucked him.

He usually won't because he wants to wait for me, but yesterday, I convinced him to take all the pleasure, for his birthday.

Saturday morning, he emerged from the bedroom, to find me at the computer, reading my porn blogs and looking at hot young college guys doing the nasty.  He pulled me back into the bedroom and we sucked and fucked some more.  This time I could feel something inside him.  Something that hit my cockhead just right, and flipped the switch and I knew I would cum.

And cum I did.  Hard.  Really hard.

I hope I rememberd to close the window, because I was noisy.

And I totally forgot about my Amigo.  After I cummed, I simply lay on top of him, and let myself come back to earth.  I could have, I should have, rolled to the side and let him jack off, with my cock still in his ass, but the thought never even crossed my mind.   I didn't even think about it until an hour later when I was at the gym, struggling to get my routine over, because I had no energy left.

Well, I'm still learning, and there were no complaints from Amigo.

Things are going fairly well.  The biggest challenge I see ahead is me.  Is this really what I want?  Will I allow myself to enjoy it, or will I be so frightened, that I fuck it up.  On purpose or otherwise.

What a weird experiment for me.

Dear Diary..... Week 5 (ish)

So, I last blogged last Sunday Morning, before my amigo got up.

I was sort of desperate to cum, and so took my 25mg boner pill, determined to get off while fucking my new (dare I say it.....) boyfriend.

I tried and tried.  My erection didn't give out, but I did.

I'm not gonna beat myself up about it, but at the same time it's frustrating.    I've experienced it before.  Everything is great.  I couldn't imagine a better fuck experience, the pressure, the friction, it was all perfect, and yet, the switch refused to be flipped.

Amigo was also frustrated.

After the failed copulation attempt, we showered.  Together.

He said he was determined, and wanted to blow me.

Bingo.

Magic words.

It took longer than the week before, but he got the job done.  And just like the previous week, afterwards, I got him off, by sucking his dick as well.

Then we went to breakfast, did some shopping and went on a spectacular hike in the magnificent mountains and fall foliage in American Fork canyon.

Things seem to be going well.  I sent him an e-mail thanking him for holding back on the "I love you stuff" and he agreed that he appreciated the good communication.

Monday, he e-mailed me with some drama.  He'd been fired from his part time job.     I tried to be supportive, but brief.  I don't want his drama to be my drama.

Today was better.   I think he got the issue resolved and got his job back.  Honestly, his English skills sometimes are so messed up.  When we are together in person, I understand him perfectly, but his e-mails and texts are so confusing.

By the way, I want to say thank you for the recent comments and e-mails I've received.  It's new to me, and I'm still confused on what I want, what I don't want, giving up a lifestyle I've become accustomed to, and allowing someone to like, or even love me, and feeling guilty that I may be incapable of of reciprocating, even if I wanted to.

But, it feels pretty good (even though pretty scary) so, I'm going to go with it.....at least for now.

Thanks again, horn dogs, for sticking with me.

OMG Blogging in Real Time.

Well, the day is here.  It's Sunday morning, October 19.

I'm all caught up with myself.

It's early, as usual, and Amigo is asleep in my bed.

It was a pretty chilly week, last week.  Not weather-wise, but relationship-wise.  We sent a few guarded text messages to each other, and then late, after work on Thursday, I sent him a lengthy email,  I tried to be as honest as I could, and outline my thoughts and expectations.  I'd post the whole letter here, but really, who wants those details?

I did ask him how he could be in love with me after only 5 weeks.  I told him I enjoyed our time together but needed to take is slowly.  I also told him I would probably never want to get married.  I know he's wasted time before in a doomed relationship, and this may be the case again, but I am not ready to make any commitments at this point.

Much to my surprise, his attitude turned around 180 degrees!

He offered to spend the weekend again, and he's been his cheerful old self.  He's backed off of the "I love you" stuff, and now keeps telling me he really likes me.  This is a sentiment I feel like I can reciprocate.

We talked about my e-mail a bit and he thanked me, and understands.  Then we had a chat about the holidays.  I know I will be out of town for a few weeks, and assuming we are still dating, he will be alone.  I know it will be hard.  His family is in Mexico and most of his friends are students and will be going home, so he will be left alone.  He did his best to put my mind at ease.

So, a couple lessons I have learned.  Try to be honest and upfront with my feelings.  Let the chips fall where they may.  I suck at face to face communication, at least for now, but apparently I am capable of composing an articulate e-mail, so I can always fall back on that.

Since this is a hookup blog, and I haven't had many hook up stories to tell, I am losing readers.  I can understand.  I'm in new and uncharted territory, and to most of you, this kind of stuff is daily hum drum jibber-jabber.

So, I will let you in on the sexual aspect of our relationship.

I am having trouble achieving orgasm with my new amigo.  I know most of it is psychological, and I suspect it has to do with attaching intimacy with the sex, as most of my encounters for the past 6 1/2 years have been rather anonymous, or at least detached from emotion.  The forbidden and taboo nature of it all, made it more exciting.

I think it was our second or third time together that I finally cummed with Amigo.  I did it by grinding my bare dick in his butt crack.  Like many out there, the condom covered cock just doesn't have enough sensitivity to get the job done usually.

Oh, by the way, Amigo loves to get fucked.

The second time I cummed with Amigo, we had just graduated to fucking bareback, and something in his ass just tickled me in the just the right spot, and I blew my wad in his butt, then we both rolled on our side, me still docked in his ass, and he quickly blew his wad all over the fuck blanket.

(How do those small testicles hold so much damn cum???)

The third time I cummed with Amigo, was last weekend.  He gave me an amazing blow job.  Now, you all know that I love BJs.  But Amigo didn't have the stamina.  He tried several times but always got tired, and gave up.

Well, something happened last weekend.  I think he just stepped up to the plate and screwed on his determination that he was going to please me, because he stayed on task and gave me a first rate bj.  First time was in the shower, which was no easy feat, and the second time I sat in the chair and watched twink porn as he serviced me.

We've screwed three times already this weekend, and each time, felt great.  Amazing in fact, but I always fail to orgasm.  Amigo refuses to cum as well.  He wants to save it until after I cum.  I guess that's his decision, although I keep telling him I want to watch him blow as I plow him.  But, it's his orgasm, I'll let him have it his own way.

Last night, as we were settling in for a night of movie watching and snuggling on the couch, he started making out with me.   I joked and said he wanted to get fucked again.  He just kept it up, so I yanked down his pants and bent him over the couch and drilled him from behind, using some olive oil from the kitchen.   It was fun and spontaneous and I thought like I might cum this time, but alas, the big O was elusive.

Today, I'm going to take my boner pill, and I'm not going to give up until I cum or until my Amigo can't take it any more.   I know he is very interested in pleasing me, and the tangible evidence of that is my orgasm.  So, no pressure or anything.  (can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?)

For those of you still reading, thanks for following along.  I know this line of my story is inconsistent with the hookup blog you started reading some time ago.  But it's time, right?  This is an experience I need to have, and to be honest I need to share.   Right now, besides my readers, I am out to only two of my friends.  One, my best friend (female) who lives in Germany, and the other, a good friend (also female) who lives in Iowa.

If the boyfriend thing works out, I will have no choice but to widen that circle.  This is something I never envisioned when I started all of this craziness.  I have no plan for it.  It's silly to think that denial is still a viable option.

Hmmmmmm.   Sounds like more drama to come.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Dear Diary. Gay Drama.
Well, I think I'm in the midst of Gay Drama.  Once again, I think communication is at the root of the problem, although I think my new Amigo's expectations are to blame as well.

Things were going along great.  We had a really nice weekend together, despite a few things not working out.

Saturday night we were going to see a movie and eat some food at my favorite place, but I guess I underestimated the crowd wanting to see the movie, and we bought the last two tickets.  We went into the theater but couldn't even find two seats together!  We got our money refunded, and tried to just order food, but the place was so busy, I couldn't even place my order.  We just left and got tacos.

Sunday we woke to find a cold front had blown through.  It was expected, and I didn't think it would hamper our hiking plans, however after a 45 min drive, we discovered it had snowed in the mountains we were planning on hiking in.

We turned around and came back.  We went on a much smaller hike nearby, got some burgers, then came home for a very nice cuddle and nap, before I dropped him back off at the train.

On Monday, my Amigo texted me saying he had a few days off of work, and this would allow him to spend his nights with me this week.

I declined, saying that I needed to focus on work.  His reply that sleeping together didn't need to include messing around in the bed, but again I declined saying I didn't sleep as soundly with him, as I did when I sleep along.

His reply:     (sound of crickets)

I got the silent treatment.

I think he feels rejected.

The truth is, he would like to speed up this relationship at a MUCH faster pace than I would.

He even brought up marriage this last weekend!

Well, I've never even had a boyfriend before.  It's going to be a long time before I'm interested in even considering a marriage.  More likely that I never get married.  I just don't see it for me.

So, I think I'll take things as they come.  I am enjoying our time together, and enjoying getting to know my new Amigo.  All I can do is to take things at my own pace and not let him rush me.  Honestly I can do without the daily mushy texts he usually sends me.  It's sweet, but a little mushy for my tastes.



I'll keep you posted.  It's only been a day of the silent treatment.  If it last through the weekend, then I'll take action.  Until then, I think it best not to become too concerned.

Dear Diary. Miscommunication handled. Back on track.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


So, after I woke up and saw that my new Amigo had taken the train to SLC, only to find I wasn't there to pick him up, nor was I answering my phone, I sent him an e-mail explaining that I thought he was coming on Friday night, not Thursday night.  After all, those were the plans we had made, much earlier in the week.

His English really isn't that good, especially for someone who has been here in this country for 5 years.

Well, he must have forgiven me, because he did end up coming back the next night, as originally planned, albeit quite late.  I picked him up at the train station (only a mile from my house) at 11:PM on Friday.  We quickly went to bed, and snuggled a bit before I quickly drifted off to sleep.

It's hard sleeping with someone when I am used to sleeping alone.......for 52 years.   I woke up at 2:AM with a raging hard on.  Amigo was fondling my cock as we spooned.  I had to shut him down.  I like to have fun, but I was too tired.

But later on we did have fun.  He told me I "broked his ass......three times." That weekend.

I finally cummed, on our third session of sexy play.  I was beginning to worry that I couldn't cum with this guy.  He's great at sucking cock...but only for a couple minutes before he gets tired.

He desperately wanted me to cum, and I told him I like blow jobs, but he would have to stay on task for 15 minutes.  He tried, and managed to make it almost 5 minutes before pulling off, saying he was tired.

"I don't think you understand Chico Rico, " I said.  "You have to blow me for 15 minutes."  Now that you've taken a break, the clock starts all over again.  You have to suck me for 15 CONTINUOUS minutes."

He looked like he was going to cry.

I brought him to the bedroom, and we fucked for the third time in the weekend, this time paying more attention to me getting off, than me pleasuring him, and I finally got my nut.  I must say, this made both of us very happy.

Oh yah, he got his too.

So, we had our best weekend yet.  We plan to try it again this weekend.  I hope it works out as well or better than before.

Dear Diary. Miscommunication.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Well, I'm not sure how this will play out.

My new Amigo and test drive boyfriend had plans to spend at least Friday night together.  At least that's what I thought the plan was.

Mid day Friday he said he texted saying:  I am thinking if we can spend the night together.  I will work late tomorrow!!!

I thought he was talking about working late on Friday, then taking the Frontrunner up here and spending the night on Friday.  I guess I was wrong, as he came to SLC last night, after I went to bed and turned off my phone.

This morning I saw on my phone a slurry of e-mails and texts saying he was here, come pick him up.  Then texts and voice messages saying come get him, and finally, he's taking the train back to Orem.

I'm sure he's pissed.  I am at the least very confused.

After I re-read the texts from yesterday, I see now that's what he was talking about.  He said he wanted to "spend the night together" when what he meant was he wanted to "spend tonight together".  Subtle change of words but to me a world of difference.

I wasn't expecting him until Friday, and he shows up on Thursday!

Gee whiz.  I feel sorry for the guy, and now I feel like a bit of a dickhead.

Dude 442. Weird strange space.

Okay.

For no reason whatsoever.
My Grandfather and me, circa 1966

There is no dude 442.

Not yet anyway.

I think there will be, but there's no pressure.

It's Sunday afternoon, October 10, 2014.  I'm almost caught up to present time with my blog.

Ironic.

I finally bring my hook up blog to present time, by posting daily about all the hookups I've had since February 1, 2008, and suddenly, now that I'm almost blogging in real time, the hookups stop.

Stay tuned for the last two entries I've written.

Dear Diary. Another update.

Sunday, September 28, 2014


The Wannabe boyfriend and I have either texted or e-mailed every day since last weekend.  He keeps telling em how often I am on his mind.  It's sweet, and I know he wants to hear something similar back, but I'm a more guarded person.   He's even dropped the "L" word a couple of time.

And while I appreciate his candor, and his ability to get caught up in the notion of romance, I don't think he really loves me.  How could he?  He doesn't really know that much about me.

I do think he loves the IDEA of having a boyfriend.  A lover.  I'm just worried he's falling too fast, too hard, and when he figures out that I'm a little emotionless and kind of a player, he'll be broken-hearted.

Actually, that may have happened already.

We knew we couldn't get together this weekend, as he had a "retreat" to attend.  Some kind of overnight affair.  But Thursday he texted and asked if he could borrow a sleeping bag for the retreat.  I said sure, but how to get it to him?  He said he wanted to come to Salt Lake, Thursday evening, to pick up the sleeping bag, and also spend the night.  I was a little reluctant as I knew I would be working late, then had to work the next morning, but I agreed.

I picked him up from downtown late Thursday night, after I got off work, and we came home, relaxed for about a half hour, then went to bed.  Nothing sexual, just cuddling etc.  The next morning we had sex, and I didn't cum, but he asked to be sucked off, which is the first time he's asked for that, and he cummed in my mouth.

I was tired at work, as my sleep with him had not been particularly sound, but I made it through the day.  Saturday, he e-mailed in the early afternoon, saying his retreat was over and he was finally at home.  Later, we chatted on the phone, and I invited him over.

Problem is that train service doesn't run on Sunday, so getting home would be a problem.  I think he was waiting for me to offer to drive him home Sunday, but I don't want to do that.  That's about a 2 hour round trip for me, and I guess I'm just selfish, but right now, I don't think it's worth it.

Later, he texted and asked if he would stay both Saturday and Sunday nights, if I took him to the Front Runner station to catch the 5AM train on Monday.

Ummm What?  Get up at 4:30?

I declined.

He then texted a few hours later saying that "it would have been nice to spend the weekend with you" which I correctly understood to mean, he wasn't coming.  So far, I've not heard from him.  All last week he's sent a good morning text.

Actually, I think this is a good thing.  I need to let him know he just might be getting involved with a guy that can be an asshole sometimes.  I'm no knight in shining armor, and I think his fantasy of the perfect silver daddy boyfriend ready to spend hours commuting to Provo for a nights cuddle, be dispelled as quickly as possible.

It's true, I do want the boyfriend experience, but my ideal boyfriend is independent and capable of either hosting at his place, or being able to come and go from mine.  If he doesn't have a car, then that's fine, but be able to use public transport, ride a bicycle or take a taxi as needed.

Maybe I'm just a jerk, who doesn't know a good thing when he's got it.

Dear Diary. Just an update.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


Well, I still have my wanna-be boyfriend.  In fact, he spent Friday night at my house, and we hung out all day Saturday.

I picked him up at the Front Runner station after work, and we went back to my house and promptly did the deed.  His chief complaint about the last guy he was with is that the guy never wanted to fuck him!  I can understand wanting to get out of a sexless relationship.  As for me, if my new bud wants to get fucked, then I'll do my part.

I must confess that I did pop a viagra once we got home.  We fuck safely, and with a condom and a desensitized cock,  I don't always stay hard as long as I would want.  But this time I was able to give my bud the fucking he deserved.  This time he was much more relaxed with me and really getting into it.  He kept repeating "thank-you, thank-you" afterward.

We had some leftovers for dinner, then walked a block to RedBox and picked out a movie.  We cuddled, watched the film then went to bed.

The next morning, he let me grind bare on the outside of his ass, and I got myself off, depositing my frustrations on his back.  I cleaned him up and he rolled over and jerked out a load of his own onto his tummy.  Nice.

We cleaned and went to breakfast.

Later, he wanted some photographs of himself, so we rode the bikes to the river and took some pictures.  He was a good model and the pictures turned out nice.  We took a timer shot of both of us.  Oh, the horror!  I look like his father standing next to him.  He's a decade younger than me anyway, but his Hispanic heritage, and full head of black hair, make him look like a twenty-something.

I mentioned this, and now he calls me "Papito."

Later in the day, we drove about an hour to a lake, then hiked up the trail to another lake.  Well, in fainess, we never reached the other lake as it was getting too late.

Along the way, we pulled off the trail twice to have sex.  We just blew each other ,and I rubbed my dick in his crack.  I never penetrated him nor did either of us cum again, but it was fun doing it in the woods, just off the trail.

I dropped him off at his house in Provo.  He shares it with 4 other room mates.  Gee Whiz.  That's a lot of single guys in one house.  He's the only student, and I guess the other guys are around his age, and working full time.

He texts every morning and evening and sometimes in the middle of the day.  He's very sweet and really desperate to find a long term boyfriend.  I'm willing to give it a try, although I don't have great expectations.  He's more in love with the idea of a boyfriend or Husband than than he is in love with me.....we've only seen each other three times, and hardly know each other.

So, I'm trying not to encourage him too much, and trying not to get my hopes up, and take some time to get to know each other.  What I've experienced so far, I like.

We won't be able to get together this weekend though.  He was some kind of weekend retreat to attend, and I'm working late on Friday night.

So, I guess we'll see how it goes!