Chico and the Man

Things are pretty steady for me and Amigo at the moment.   We are back in the routine of him going to school during the week, then taking the train here on Friday night, and spending the weekend, until I drop him off, back at the train station early Monday morning.

Of course, this week it will be Tuesday morning because of the MLK day holiday.

It's grown surprisingly comfortable.

I never really thought of myself as a particularly cuddly individual.  It's not like I'm made of stone or anything, but all the touch feely stuff was never high on my priority list.

It's really high on Amigo's priority list.  He could survive on kisses, hugs and caresses alone.  He wouldn't need food or drink.

That being said, I've become pretty darn comfortable with the cuddling.  I love, love, love watching a TV/Netflix movie with Amigo, while cuddling up on the couch.  Amigo likes it too, but it's a powerful anesthetic, and he falls asleep in my arms every time.  With out fail.  He simply cannot stay awake if I'm on that couch with him.

We also like naps.  Sometimes we spoon, and sometimes he curls up into my chest, even though he's the slightly bigger guy physically.

Saturday, he was upstairs doing his homework, and I had 30 minutes of free time, so I lay down on the couch for a snooze.  When Amigo found out, he was pissed that I took my siesta without telling him.  As if I had deprived him of a meal.

Amigo also like to get drilled.  Nailed.  Laid.  He likes it a lot.  We're both getting better at it, although my inability to orgasm while topping is still quite baffling.  The wonderful feeling of fucking him in his ass should bring me to an immediate climax!  Honestly, I don't think I could make it feel any more stimulating and good, but somehow I fail to climax, more often than not.

One thing that worked the other day; after we screwed for about 10 minutes, I started going soft.  I pulled out, and we cuddled for a minute and it was decided I would go and wash my dick in the bathroom and return for a nice BJ.

My body responded favorably to the oral, and soon I was near the plateau.  Instead of blowing my wad in his mouth, I pulled out and mounted Amigo, and rode off into the sunset, guns a blazing!  That time it worked out well and everyone was happy.  I think we're going to try that method some more.

Have I mentioned that Amigo always want's to film us, with his iPhone?   He's taken a couple videos so far.  I know it's a little risky, but both of our faces are clearly visible, so I doubt he'll want to show it around.

It sure has given me a new perspective on myself.  Of course I've used my own iPhone to film my clandestine encounters with hook ups in the past, but I take what I can get, the camera in never in the optimum place, and the lighting is poor.

Not this time.  I get to see myself in fully lighted, high-definition glory.  And, I must say, I am surprised at what I see.  I had a different self image for sure.   It's hard to explain.  I look much thicker and solid that I thought.  Instead of a wiry monkey climbing around in the bed, I'm a fairly masculine looking almost beefy guy, dominating my partner.  Me?  Beefy?  It's something I hadn't ever expected of myself.

I'm not that happy with my small gut, nor my poor posture, but at age 52, I'm not complaining.  At the risk of sounding conceited, I also have to compliment my ass!

Yesterday morning, we set up both his phone, and mine, and hit record at the same time.  Unfortunately, neither of us gave Oscar performances, but it was fun to try and cut these two angles together.  Amigo's phone captured the "wide shot" from profile, while my phone got the "close up" from the foot of the bed, mostly featuring my ass, drilling poor Amigo.

And don't ask to see this one.  It's going to remain private.

An update on our situation;  well it's still pretty uncertain.  It seems Amigo's financial situation at his school, may ultimately be insurmountable.  I know this is not my problem and was not caused by any decisions that I made, but I still feel bad for the guy.

I think Amigo has realized that I will not be his sugar daddy, nor will I be his knight in shining armor that comes to his rescue.  Still, I think he would rather face these challenges with me, than look for another knight to save him.  He's also mentioned that turning back to the Mormon church isn't really an option he's willing to consider.

Amigo satisfies me sexually while he's around.  He more that satisfies me romantically, and I have no interest in seeking romantic dates with anyone else.  I still have a tendency to turn on grinder and consider hooking up with others during the week, but I'm trying to be good.  I haven't made any commitment to him to be faithful, although I know he'd be crushed to find out that hooked up with anyone else.  Also, I really, really don't want to bring anything nasty home, and infect Amigo.

So, it's one week at a time for us.

I'll try to keep you posted.  It's good therapy for me.

Asian Fusian

Last week while visiting Mom in Sunny Southern California, I had the opportunity to meet a fellow blogger.

This is the first time I have been able to actually meet another blogger, or, for that matter, a reader of my blog!

I had such a good time.

He was working, so the only time we could meet was lunch time, or after work.  Because I didn't want to get stuck in LA traffic, and other things, I chose lunch time.  My blogger buddy bought lunch and we munched Asian Fusion food from a nearby food truck.

I don't think I've ever had Asian Fusion before, but mine consisted of a burrito, with grilled meat along with a wad of french fries inside.  While the meat was tasty, the fries were merely filling.  Too filling, plus, I was so busy flapping my gums telling my story that I barely had time to eat.

This meeting was right in the middle of the latest Amigo Drama, so the Blogger listened patiently, and gave me some advice when asked.  Blogger also filled me in on personal details of his life that I was very, very curious about.  It was so much fun.  

I guess I need to get some actual gay people in my social life that I can talk to sometimes.

I had a mental picture in my mind, about Blogger.  He has a nice slim torso picture on his profile, so I should have known he would be hot.  But, in my mind, he looked like another guy that I used to blow, so in my mind he wasn't so fit and trim.  But, in fact he was smoking hot.

I wondered about his perception of me, and of course in many ways I wasn't what he expected.  I loved his description;

 I can totally empathize with picturing a certain person when you interact with someone. For me though, it was a bit more cerebral.  The way you write, I was expecting a bit more of a cocky frat guy type that's heavily closeted and paranoid. I know there's a lot of judgement in that statement but I swear I mean it in an archetype level than a criticism of your writing. I mean, you're writing about hookups so it's really about getting your nut, which then makes it seem like you're a little egocentric with your needs... But you're actually really sensitive in an earnest and novel way.  Ugh, I'm doing a horrible job of explaining what I mean. Like, I was expecting someone that's very direct in a hot masculine sort of way but instead you're more direct in a more contemplative and equally hot but sincere way. Is that a little better?

I love that from my writing, he thought I was a (older version of) a cocky, closeted frat guy!  Is that what everyone pictures?  Oh, if only I could get in all your heads!

In reality I feel like such a bumbling dork, with a few left over self esteem issues, and he thought I was a cocky frat guy type.  Bless his handsome heart.

Thanks for meeting me Blogger.  I didn't mention you specifically, because I wanted the other readers to enjoy the puzzle, of figuring out who you are.  I hope you're cool with that.

The Drama Continues. I hope not.

Okay.  I have learned my lesson.  I can't let the drama of others, especially Amigo affect me.

AND, I hope not to blog about it in the future.

However, here's the latest.

Amigo sent me an e-mail, saying he wanted to come over and stay the night and talk face to face.  I had pretty much decided it would probably be best just to end it.  I received some advice from TwoLives,  which you can read in the comments of my last post.

So, then I got a surprise phone call from Amigo.  We had a nice chat, and I started to change my thinking.  I told Amigo he could come see me, and we could sort things out in person, but he wasn't going to spend the night.  He had to go back home.  He had to cut the phone call short as his class was starting, but promised to call afterwards.

He called later and told me he was going to take the train to SLC to come and talk, then would go back home.

I picked him up.  After three weeks, of being apart, I'll have to admit, I found him more handsome that ever.

When we got to the house, we had some dinner, and talked about everything.

I asked him to clarify his e-mailed response to me;

Ok, no problem so this is over. I will start to ask to my friends in (Another Town) and start to go back to the church. I hope the best to you and I will walk alone to next step!!! 

As I suspected, it was a knee jerk response to my rejection of the idea of living together.  He said he was really stressed out and should not have sent it.

We talked about his future plans, and his expectations.  I talked about how I had been holding off or at least cutting down on hooking up because I didn't want to bring anything (STDs) back to him and I let him know I wasn't going to commit to a totally monogamous relationship.

He didn't give me the green light for random hookups or anything, but he didn't say it was off the table if we continue to date.

So, after all of the talking, my heart started to melt a little.  Picture the Grinch, when he saw all the Whos enjoing Christmas.

I told him he should not take the train back.  He should stay the night if he wanted.

He wanted.

Of course.

I took a boner pill and we cuddled on the couch.
Soon enough things heated up on the couch and progressed to the bedroom.  I won't go into details, but the Amigo was totally satisfied, and it felt good to satisfy him.

We returned to the couch and tried to watch "Chasing Amy" on Netflix.  I say tried, because a movie on my couch is like a sleeping pill to the Amigo.

I don't think we have ever made it through a whole movie where he didn't fall asleep in my arms while watching, and last night was no exception.

We had a peaceful snugly night, and then I satisfied the Amigo one more time before getting him to the train station at 6:10 AM so he could return to his job and classes at school.

So, for now, I think that things are back to normal, for me.  He's got some struggles now, and I don't know what his solutions may be, but he's a big boy, and I'm sure he'll figure it out.

I'm sorry that I got caught up in the Drama, and needed to vent/share, but I really do appreciate the support and comments.  I'm going to try and take my own advice and not get caught up in this stuff again, and let the drama pass by for a day or two before I react to it.

Thanks for reading.  Whew.

Update.

Hi everyone and thanks for the great comments.  It's clear what should happen.

I gave it a lot of thought, and I think I'm holding Amigo back.  His reference about church was a little misleading.  He converted to Mormonism about 10 years ago.  That's essentially why he is here.  He found a nice Mormon family to host him while he attended school.  That only lasted a couple of years,  and he moved out, and rented a room in a house with several other single guys, while continuing school.  Perhaps he did this so he could be a little more comfortable with his sexuality, I'm not entirely sure.

He has been considering asking the family to move back in with them so he can  afford to pay tuition.   Mormons have a strong sense of community and they have a great safety net.  Amigo really believes the Mormon (religious and spiritual) stuff, but of course it's hard because he has realized he is gay.  You CAN be gay and be a Mormon.  You CANNOT  be a good Mormon and continue to have gay sex.

This is a great source of conflict for Amigo, I am sure.

If he moves back to the family, he would be expected to go to church every Sunday.  This would be an end to our Saturday night sleep overs.

Several hours after my last blog post, Amigo sent me another e-mail:

We should talk about it. I'm so busy this week, but we will talk about this face to face. 

No worries you're amazing guy!!!

Sent from my iPhone

And so I replied with a long, two-page letter I had composed, BEFORE I left for California.  I basically outlined my feelings, my expectations, and my fears.  Summed up, it basically said, we had little hope for a future together, but it's fun for now if you want to continue.

After Amigo read the long winded and probably incomprehensible diatribe I wrote (in English unfortunately) he e-mailed back the following:

Thanks for you honesty in this email, I could see something that I have ready seem in you before. You are wonderful guy and I think that we could get a great life together, but I am Mexican and early or lately I should go back my country. My fault is not born in this country!!! 

Let go to talk Saturday!!!! 

Amigo!!! 


Again, I'm not entirely sure what he's trying to say, but I think I get the gist of it.

I arrived home last nigh.  Oddly enough, a cute nerdy self-proclaimed "Otter" kid, from Grindr offered to pick me up from the airport.

(huge side track here;  The Otter kid, is a recent college graduate, into silver daddies I guess, and loves to cuddle.  He's got a great body,  and cuddling for cuddling sake isn't really my thing, but damn, he's so hot, and I love stroking his soft furry chest and groin!  AND, although he won't do anything but hand jobs to me, he lets me suck him off.  And it's great by the way.  He is actually Dude 412)

Back to the main Drama:

Amigo sent me a text last night welcoming me home.  I didn't respond.  An hour later, at 8PM another text saying "I done with my classes for today!!! It too late."

Now I'm not sure if he meant that it was late in general, or his classes sure do go late, or "it's too late to come and visit you tonight."

(Earlier in the week, before all of the DRAMA, I had asked him to come to my house the night I arrived so we could celebrate my return.  A nice fuck and sleep over were implied)

So, I responded to his texts this morning:

Good Morning Amigo.

I got your texts last night.   I made it back home with no problem.  I had a change of planes in Phoenix, but it was easy.  I got home in the afternoon.

Do you still want to get together on Saturday to talk face to face?

I think meeting for lunch might be a good idea.

Let me know.

His Response:

Good morning (Endearing Spanish Term Removed), 

I'm even interested about you. My feeling are a little be confuse, but there are many things in my mind right now. I hope that we can keep together. I would love see you tonight and figure out a solution together. 

Let me know!!!

Sent from my iPhone

So, I'm going to wait, and let him know that a sleep over tonight is NOT in the cards, and we should talk face to face.  I would like to tell him it's time to take a break, but I'm hoping maybe that's what he will tell me, and then I can just agree.  By the sounds of it though, I think he's going to make it difficult, and not want the clean break.

I hate to keep doing this by e-mail, so maybe we can get together before Saturday and do our face to face.  I also hate to string him along, but also don't want to cause him grief and drama during the school week, as he already has enough on his mind.

Drama. Just what I always wanted.

I'm gonna just unburden myself this morning.

I can't remember how much about my new Amigo I've told you about, but to recap, he's 44.  He's Mexican, here in the US taking international business classes at a local college, 45 minutes from me in Ogden, Utah.

He's also struggling.  He is allowed to work part time at the University, and he uses this money to pay for his school .  Along with a little scholarship money, he barely makes ends meet.  He rents a room in a house, near the University, has no car, but uses the public transit system.  He rides for free as a student.

In December he was very worried about the upcoming semester.  He wasn't going to make it financially.  He was hinting for me to help.  To pitch in, either with financial help, or ask him to move in with me to free up the rent money.

I didn't respond to the hints except to express my concern.  I'm worried that him leaning on me financially will tarnish our relationship.  In the long run, I'm not looking for someone to take care of.  I'm looking for someone to share my life with.  Give and take.

I've wondered too what the Amigo sees in me.  I hope I wasn't just appealing as a meal ticket and a provider, someone to marry for citizenship, but the thought has crossed my mind.

I recently came out to my parents and sister.  This is because it was becoming awkward having the Amigo around on the weekends, and me having to cover my tracks.

Now, my Mom and Sister have both talked with Amigo on FaceTime.  Everyone seems quite happy with the situation.

I thought Amigo had his financial situation figured out, that's what he led me to believe when I asked him about it in a recent phone call, but here is the e-mail exchange we had this morning:


Good morning (Jack), 

I have a question for you. What are your future plans with me, well knowing now that your family knows you are gay and we have been dating for a while ? I don't wanna be rude about this, but I wanna know that you think about this and know what could be my expectations with you.  Maybe you don't know care, but I have my own life and this come with many challenges which you ready know them. I every semester I have many problems, but these have solution so I am usually very stressed about this. In this moment I am again worry  about this, but as I told you these is normal for me.

I am wondering and seeing best for you and I at same time. Have you thought if we can live together latelly. As i told you the last time, I am wondering to ask a some family in (a town)  whom maybe they could help me to live with them and so instead to pay rent a someone else, this money could be paid at School.  Nevertheless, I should know that you're thinking also because you are very important to me. 

SORRY, IF I'M BEING  VERY HONEST, BUT I HAVE TO FIND SOLUTION AND SEE WHICH IS MY CHALLENGES SO FAR.

Thanks,

(Amigo)



Good morning Amigo.

I am glad you are being honest with me.

Right now I am enjoying dating you.  I like hanging out together, and the sex and the cuddling.   I do not want to live together.  That will be too much for me right now.   This is all still very new to me, I have been single for so long, it's difficult for me to change.  I really don't have much experience in relationships.

I told my parents my secret so I would not have to be dishonest with them any more.  It was becoming difficult to explain on the weekends when you were around.   Now I won't have to lie about that anymore.

I know you have your life to live, and I know that you want a serious relationship with someone.  I am worried that I may never want to get THAT serious.  

But, for right now, I enjoy our time together, I hope you do too.


Thanks for being honest and asking the question.



Ok, no problem so this is over. 

I will start to ask to my friends in (a town) and start to go back to the church. 

I hope the best to you and I will walk alone to next step!!! 


Sent from my iPhone


Are you telling me you don't want to see me any more?  Do you want to call?


And then; Silence.

My experience with Amigo has been that there are language difficulties and mis-communication.  I try to be as clear as possible, and skip the niceties.

Also, I've learned not to over react.  Usually, he comes around in a day or two, and it seems that everything is all right.

So, I return home from California tomorrow.  I'm not sure if I will have an Amigo to return to, or not.

Conflicting Desires. Honesty. Dude 443

With all of the nice comments I've been receiving lately, I kind of hate to spoil it by writing about yet another hookup, but I think I need to be honest.  Especially with myself, and this is a great forum to do that.

I just got back from getting a blowjob, in the Albertson's Parking lot.

I feel relieved, but a bit like a heel.

I know Amigo would not want this to occur, but really, we are just dating, right?  I know I haven't made any monogamy commitments, but then why do I feel guilty?

Because Amigo is a nice guy and I'm a nice guy and I know what I just did would hurt his feelings if he found out, and really I don't want to hurt his feelings.

So, here's the long and short of it, for the record.  I'm still in Southern California, 16 days into a 20 day visit.  I've been checking out Grindr, and today, when I went to Lowe's to buy some paint, I took the opportunity to ask a nearby gentleman if he's like to suck me off, and he agreed.

He didn't mention an age, but I'm guessing around 40.  Nice guy.  We met in a parking lot and drove to a secluded corner.  He didn't hesitate to jump in the back seat with me and just go down.

The combination of his skills (7.5/10) and my libido, had me squirting in his mouth in about 5 minutes, unusually fast for me.  Then he wanted to hug me and caress me and do some awkward cuddling, but I just wanted to get back home to Mom's so she wouldn't wondering why it was taking me so long to buy paint.

And so that is that.  Dude #443.  Done.

The cat is out of the bag.

 Well, I did it and it went just like planned.  I even knew when I would break the news.  After we had ordered, but before the food arrived.

I was nervous, but knew I would go through with it.  In fact, I couldn't wait for the time to come, so I could get it over with.  I'm not a procrastinator by nature anyway.

"I have something to tell you both........."

When I was finished, my Dad said, "Well, Okay.  anything else?"

Mom lit up and said, "I'm so happy for you, what's his name?"

We talked about it for a few minutes then Dad said, "Is that turkey bacon any good?" and we proceed to talk about other stuff.  It was all very....um .....anti-climatic.

And, that's a good thing.  Although I thought I was dropping a bomb, it turned out to barely be a water balloon.

I asked them if they knew, or suspected.  Mom said sure, she suspected, but just figured I was asexual.  If she only knew!  I don't think I'm going to let her in on THAT secret and show her my tally sheet.

Dad said friends had asked him before if I was gay or something, but he said he just didn't know.

On the drive home, I called my sister and told her.  I was hoping she would join us for breakfast, but she had to work.  Her reaction was also positive, although she was a little put off that I could find a boyfriend, and she can't.

Once we arrived at my Mom's house, I decided to let Amigo know what I had done, and let my Mom say hi to him, so I used Facetime and we all had a little chat.

So many damn "cat/bag" photos to choose
from on the internet.

Amigo is happy for me too.  Unfortunately, he's a bid sad for himself, being all alone, classes out for the holiday, and work shut down, no family around and I'm 700 miles away.  He would have loved to come on this trip with me.  He asked if he could come,
but, at the time, the cat was still in the bag, and really, it's still too early in our experimental romance to be undertaking a 3 week vacation together.

Thanks for all of the comments and e-mails.  I found that very comforting and helpful.

I'm not sure what's next for Ol' Jack, but I'll keep you posted.

I may be dying

Jack my be dying.  A little at a time, and that's not a bad thing.

You see, my name isn't really Jack.  Jack is the gay guy that lives inside of me.  I suspect there are a lot of Jacks that read my blog.

Jack did all of the fun stuff that I secretly wanted to try.  Jack had all the adventures and hookups, but when it came to romance, well, the line between Jack and myself got a little fuzzy.

A year and a half ago, when I was on a houseboat, on Lake Powell, with a group of gay guys, it was me that got flirted with.  I got hit on by a handsome compact Latino man, and it was me who finally accepted that I could give this thing a try.  I dipped my foot in the romance pool and tested the waters, and guess what?  I liked it.

I'm in California, visiting my parents.  They've been divorced since I was 16, but now, both re-marred we are all in the same city, for a short time for the purpose of a holiday family get together.  I've been at Dad's for a week and a half, and tomorrow morning, we'll all have breakfast together, and Dad will hand me off to Mom, and we'll drive back to her house.

This is when I plan to tell them.

That's the plan at least.

Tell them what?  You know.  It's hard for me to even get the words out.  I'm pretty sure I have the courage, and I've been practicing it in my head.

"Hey, I've been wanting to tell you something.  For a couple months, I've been dating someone, and that someone is another guy."

That's all I have planned for now.  I'm hoping that will crack the door open for a dialog.

I've known for awhile that the time was right for sharing my secret with my parents.  I can't hide it any longer with out being truly deceitful and out right lying.  Not with my Amigo spending weekends at my house.

I don't really want to do this, but it's going to be easier than hiding it the rest of their lives.  I know that things won't really change between us.  Luckily my parents are not like that.  I'm a little ashamed that a 52 year old guy is struggling with the courage to tell his parents a simple truth about himself.

Myself.

So, my faithful blog readers, wish me luck.  Wish me courage.  It's been great to open up to you guys and have you along with me on my journey.

This may be the beginning of the end for Jack, but who knows, maybe I'll pick up where ol Jack left off.

Happy Holidays

Hi Everyone.  Here's a boring update about my situation.

My work project ended last week, and the Amigo came Thursday night and spent the night.  He went back to school Friday, but returned Friday night and spent the entire weekend here.  That seems to be the new norm.  He even returned Monday night, so that's 5 nights in a row I had my cuddle buddy in the bed.

Sleeping with someone else is new for me.  I've spent 51 years sleeping alone.  It's an adjustment, but so far I like it.  I have been thinking a lot about getting a new bed.  It's time.  My old one is at least 20 years old.  It's a full size bed, and not really built for two grown men, even if we're both smaller framed guys.  And it squeaks.  Especially under "extreme" circumstances, which occur frequently when Amigo is around.

I still have difficulty achieving orgasm when having sex.  The amigo is getting better at giving me a nice BJ when I fail.  I love that.  Once however, things still didn't happen for me, and the Amigo gave up after 14 minutes of blowing me.  Last Sunday however, he got on his knees, and I watched some internet porn and he gave me an A+ hoover job.  Man, that was nice.

I can usually get him off with a hand job (something that holds little interest when done to me) in just a few minutes.  He doesn't seem much interested in his own orgasm, but since it's important to me, he allows it to happen.

The next test of our "friendship" is about to occur.

I'm leaving town for three weeks, to visit my parents in Southern California.

I feel bad because Amigo is stuck here.  He's a starving student.  He works at the University, part time to earn money for his tuition.  He's only allowed to work part time.

It's finals week right now, so he's busy with that, but after this week, there is no school.  That means no classes for Amigo, and no work.  He has a 2 or 3 week break with nothing to do, and I'm going to be gone as well.

I am in the middle of composing a long e-mail to tell the Amigo how I feel about our lopsided relationship.  I find face to face communication difficult.  There are so many thoughts running through my head that I want to share, but I can't seem to organize them into words.  It doesn't help that my thoughts and feelings are conflicted.

I'm enjoying the boyfriend experience, but I miss the hookup scene too.  I like being with Amigo, but I like my alone time as well.  I'm not "out" to anyone, so we keep our romance contained to inside the house.  Is that the life I want to have?

I want to wait to send my e-mail to Amigo.  His last final is Thursday.  The same day that I leave town.  I don't want to add any more stress to his life until after his finals.

I spent a couple hours trying to organize and jot down my thought last night.  It didn't help that I was swilling beer.  Or did it?  I'm less reserved while a little tipsy, that's for sure.  I'll take another crack at it today.

As for my extracurricular activities, I've cut way down on hooking up since the Amigo and I have started dating.  Only one NSA hookup, last weekend while he was away.  Unfortunately, I can't say my intentions have been strictly pure.

I still check out Craigslist and Grindr.  I've tried to put together hookups, but they have fallen through.  I'm no angel, that's for sure.  I'm not even sure I want to be.

I think the time apart will be good.  It may give us both valuable reflection time.

Wish me luck, and Happy Holidays everyone.

Amigo and I checking out the lights at Temple Square

Dude 442. Nice NSA morning head.

I guess this post should be more about why I hooked up this morning.

And, should I feel guilty?  If not, why?

The Amigo is out of town.  We knew we couldn't be together this weekend.  I've been jacking off almost daily, mostly because I have time but also, because I knew Amigo wasn't going to be around, and so I had nothing to "save up" for.

First.  The hookup.  Let's get that out of the way.  Then I'll deal with the shame, or guilt, or lack of it.

It's Saturday.  I woke up and looked at porn and drank my coffee, just like every other morning.  Then, I hit the gym.  I turned on Grindr, for two reasons.  To see if the handsome twenty-something hairy otter kid had sent me a message, (we've been messaging for weeks) and secondly, when I'm at the gym, I'm in somewhat new territory, so I might appear to some to be fresh meat.  It's fun to get hit on, even if I have no intentions of getting together.

Did I have intentions of getting together?

Well, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else for coffee, or a beer.

The romantic, emotional void that I had is totally fulfilled by Amigo.  He's not everything I had hoped for, but he's pretty good and I certainly don't have a desire to look for something else along those lines right now.

Sexually, well, I'm still horny.

I'm trying to figure out all that part as well.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be sexually satisfied by one guy again.  I was alone and celibate for so long.  Then, bam, I discovered the NSA hook up and I was like a kid in a candy store.....for the last 6 years!

And, then just as quickly, bam!  I start dating Amigo, and the hookups cease.

I'm still figuring it out.

But where was I?  Oh yah, back to this morning's hookup.

So, I have Grindr on, and a 21 year old Latino kid hits me up.  Very polite, and he exchange pleasantries, then he says "What are you up to this morning."

I told him I was looking for some dick to suck.  He said "I'm looking for the same."

Well, how much easier could it have been?  I'm horny and there's a handsome 21 year old Latino boy who's offering to suck my cock.  We exchange a few more details; He's STD free, he's HIV negative, He'll let me cum in his mouth, and he's free now.  He even wants me to come now instead of taking a shower first, knowing I'm coming from the gym.

So, I show up at a nice house on the east side of SLC.  He's got a room in the basement.  I get the idea he's some kind of exchange student or something, and we chat a little about that.

His profile doesn't give many stats, but had a nice picture of him.  In person, he's not nearly as tall as I thought, maybe 5'4".  He's about 150 or 160, so not fat, but not skinny.  From his photo, I didn't expect that he was slender anyway.

Once in his room I quickly shuck my sweatpants, gym shorts and Dr. Suess Grinch boxer shorts.

He gives a pretty good BJ.  I'd give it a 7 out of 10.  He want's to kiss, but I decline.

"Why?"  he asks.

I lie and tell him I don't like kissing guys.

"But you let them suck your dick?" he asks.

Truth is, I'm still a bit old fashioned about kissing.  To me, kissing is romance.  It's attraction.  It's affection.  It's not part of NSA sex.  NSA sex, to me is all about the sucking or the fucking.

That's not to say, I haven't been caught up in the heat of NSA sex, and been all fired up and sucked into a passionate fiery mack session, because I surely have.

I told the kid he could kiss my neck if he wanted, and indeed he did.  He gave me great head.  He pulled my shirt off, and and lay on top of me and kissed my neck, hairy chest and went back to sucking me.

When I made a grab for his hard dick, obviously stiff in his flannel pajama type lounge pants, he warned me, "be careful, because I cum fast......"

I quit fumbling for his dick, as I didn't want him cumming and then calling the whole thing off.

True to my being, after 15 minutes of sucking and playing around, I felt my orgasm building and told the kid about it.  He stayed on task and as I was about to explode, I clamped down on his head, he pulled one hand free and jammed his finger in my mouth.

In the heat of orgasm, I had to fight the urge to bite down hard, but I was mainly focused on my cum spurting into his hot mouth, as he mercilessly milked me with is tongue.

When I came back to earth and caught my breath, I released him and I could tell he had my gob still in his mouth.  I told him if he needed to spit, it was fine with me and he left the room for a minute.

I put my gym clothes back on and when he returned his boner was still tenting out his lounge pants but now there was the addition of a huge wet spot.  I'm not sure if he cummed, or whether it was just pre-cum.  Either way, it spoke to me more than words that the kid enjoyed himself too.  Even if he didn't cum, he could jack off to the fresh memory, and maybe event he fresh taste of my jizz that he just spit out.

So, where does that leave me?

I don't know.

I'd love to share this with Amigo, but I know he wouldn't want to hear it.  I'm resigned to tell him the truth if he asks.

I also debated about writing about it.

To my readers, many of whom have reached out to me in comments and e-mails, I kind of didn't want to disappoint you by appearing to back slide, but again, I feel that honesty, with you, and especially with myself, might be critical at this point of my journey.

So, there you have it.  Did I stumble or am I back on the hook up path?  Time will tell.

Pornography Addiction

The Amigo doesn't like me looking at Pornography.

It's no secret that I have trouble cumming with Amigo.

Although it feels great, fucking just does not get me off.  Not usually anyway.

Thinking back, fucking has not always been a sure fire way for me to cum.  Back to my first real girlfriend, when I was 17.

She was my first.  I was her first (or so she told me).

I remember one night, in the back of my Mom's car, in the parking lot of a a grocery store, pounding away until her pussy dried out, and even though I finally orgasmed, I'm sure I caused her some discomfort and I ended up with an abrasion on my penis, because I refused to give up, even after rubbing us both raw.

I guess it comes as no surprise, that I have trouble now, as a 52 year old guy, cumming while fucking my Amigos very wonderful butt.

He finally told me he doesn't like me looking at porn.  I told him I'd been doing it for years.  Decades!  He expected me to drop it, just like that?

In his thick Mexican accent, he said, "Ok, you were doing it for a long time, but now you have someone real.  You don't need it anymore.  It makes me feel sad that you looking at pornography and still you not cumming with me.  I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me."

I totally agreed with him.  He does deserve that.  I told him so, and I meant it.  If I'm not that guy, then so be it.

But, I have no intention of giving up porn.  I understand his concern.  I guess it would be natural to come to those conclusions, but for me it's much more complicated. I will admit and concede that porn is an addiction.  I know it's epidemic and it's a problem, especially now that it's soooooo available in today's anonymous internet world.

And, still.  I love it.  Maybe this is what smokers feel like about their cigarettes.

I have no idea whether porn has an effect on our sex life, and my ability to cum with him.  I do know (or at least I think I know) that quitting porn cold turkey would have little or no effect on me being able to cum with him.  I'm willing to give it a try if we get to a point where daily sex with him is an option.  Right now, with our "weekend only" dating schedule, it's out of the question.

Here's a couple things that came out of this weekend's discussions:

I told Amigo that I would quit looking at porn, for the remainder of the day, once I cum.  Whether that be by fucking or blow job.  He doesn't really like blowing me, because it requires 10-15 minutes of sucking for me, in order for me to cum, but, it's a pretty sure fire way to do it.  And, even though he doesn't love to blow me, he gives awesome head.  ;)

So, I think, in theory anyway,  we will fuck, which pleasures him, (there is NO question about that) and if it fails to make me cum, he will blow me.......after a sufficient cock washing, which I totally understand.  (sometimes the technical aspect of gay sex is sooooo inconvenient!)

The happy ending to this post, is, this morning, I woke up, had my coffee, looked at e-mails, some porn, and then went to the gym, as the Amigo slept.  Pretty normal stuff.

When I returned, he was waiting for me, and when I went into the bedroom, the bed was covered with the "fuck blanket."  There was lube and some small towels standing by.  His way of taking charge and initiating coitus.

And, although it didn't happen on the first pass, I did manage to cum while fucking, then he got himself off shortly thereafter.

Our 5-night-in-a-row extravaganza ended on quite a happy note.

Sorry for rambling.  I've had a few beers (how strange) and needed to vent.

I hope this isn't too pedestrian, but this relationship stuff is as new to me as the hook up stuff was just a few short years ago.  It's probably a walk in the park for the rest of you!

This pic has nothing to do with anything, except:
It looks an awful lot like a friend/acquaintance
of mine, an he was (in my opinion) quite accurately
described as a "hot nerd."

I'm such a dork.

Amigo came over Tueday night.  I'm off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving through the week end.  Woo Hoo!

It was early evening and I went for the boner pill, as soon as I got home.  Amigo was already here waiting for me.

We cuddled on the couch for a bit, and started getting frisky.  I thought I would be spontaneous and I pulled down Amigos pants and blew him in the living room, then I pulled him up and bent him over the couch as I lowered my own Levis, and boxers.

"You don't want to go up to the bed?"  Amigo questioned?

"Be quite and get ready to get fucked,"  I growled in mock bravado.

I ran to the dark kitchen and grabbed the olive oil, like I'd done once before.   A good ol' impromptu fuck.  No romance.  No warning.  Animalistic.

Amigo was just as I left him.  Bent over the couch.  Jeans around his ankles.  Waiting for the initial puncture.

I poured a little oil from the bottle into his crack.  It's less viscous than lube for sure.  What the heck.  I worked some in with a finger.

What's going on?  This isn't slippery at all.  What's that smell?

Shit!  That's not the olive oil!  It's the rice wine vinegar!

Oh god.  Mood spoiled.  Much laughter.

And I wasn't in the mood for tossed salad anyway.

El fin de semana sin Amigo.

Sorry not to much to report here.

Back when I first started reading blogs and then starting one of my own, I had two pet peeves.  Bloggers that would suddenly disappear,  (I won't name names) and bloggers that would get post an entry saying they had nothing to say.

Now I see the conundrum.

If I have nothing new to report, perhaps I should just disappear?

Well, at least an update is in order.

Amigo seems just as smitten with me as ever.  He got a little "moody" when he offered to spend all of next week at my house, because he had the whole week off from work and school.  He even offered to sleep in my tiny guest room Sunday and Monday night so I wold get a good night's rest, because, unlike him I do have to work on Monday and Tuesday.

I declined the offer, but said I would like him to come Tuesday night, and he could spend the rest of the week.

I got the silent treatment for a day.

Then, I asked if he could come last Friday night and spend the weekend.  He had to work early Saturday morning, and had another function that evening.  He could have spent Sunday here, but alas, Utah's public transportation system is almost non-functioning on the Sabbath,  and he would have spend 4 hours traveling here and back to spend a couple hours here.

Yes, I could have driven there.  I could have picked him up, but gee whiz.  We're going to spend over 4 whole days together, starting Tuesday night, so why bother?

As it turns out, he came up on the train Friday night, was waiting in the house when I got home from work, and I took him back to the train at 6:AM Saturday morning, so he could get to work.

I've been on my own basically since I moved out of my Mom's house at age 18.  I've never had a live in romantic interest, neither male nor female.  Honestly, I like being alone, and I'm worried I'll have trouble with this adjustment, if it works out.

But, I'm determined to cross that bridge when I burn it.

I'm constantly surprising myself anyway.

I had no idea that cuddling on the couch, or napping with Amigo would be so damn enjoyable!

So, that's my life for now.

Okay.  There's a little more:

Since Amigo wasn't around, most of the weekend,  I went looking for a hookup.  I even posted an ad on Craigslist yesterday.  I got a few interested flakes, but found no one to blow me and I ended up jacking off to some great internet porn.

This morning, I left Grindr on for hours and hours and barely got a nibble.  I responded to a few CL posts, but got nothing.  Again, I jerked off, and then I was fine.

What's this mean?  I don't' know.  I'm doing what I can.  What I know.

By the way, Amigo and I haven't made any sort of monogamy agreement, although I would be totally shocked to find out if he was getting any on the side.  He's always calling me "his man." and he has some other choice nick names for me. (maybe one day, I'll share)

Our feelings for each other are a bit lopsided.  I'm hanging in there, and time will tell if my feelings for him grow stronger.  He deserves better, I know.

Maybe some day I will be better.

A photo we took of the sunset at the Great Salt Lake a couple of weeks ago.

What have I become.

Sorry for the ramblings here readers.  This is not the kind of hook up stuff you have been coming here for.

I'm a little lost.

I don't know where this boyfriend thing is taking me.  This is uncharted territory.  I'm like a cat, chasing a mouse, and once I've snatched it, I don't know what to do with it.

I was certainly expecting this all to end before it got this far.

I like the new Amigo, and I certainly like that he is so smitten with me, although I can't really figure out why.  I'm also worried where it might all lead.  What if I start to have feelings for him like he has for me?

One problem we would face is a matter of Citizenship.  Amigo in not an American Citizen. He's here on a Student Visa.  I'm not sure what his plans are when he finishes school.  Well, I've asked him, and he hasn't given me a real answer, or at least one I understand.  We still have some communication issues.

Although I don't think he's seeing me because he wants a green card though marriage, I'm sure it wold thrill him to no end to get married.  Hell, I'm not even out of the closet, yet alone put something like marriage on the table.  Speaking of being in the closet, I think this is the first time I've admitted that!  Until now, I've just been a horny guy that likes dick!

Oh God.  I just have so many concerns about all of this.

I'm tired of the charade.  Every weekend I have a conversation with my Father in San Diego on Saturday, and then Sunday is my Mom's turn.  She also lives in California.

For the last two months, Amigo sits patiently and quietly, with his laptop, while I have chats with my folks.  It would be nice if they knew Amigo was here.  It would be nice to let them know I have a friend here that loves me and wants me to dick him again, and please cut the conversation short because there are a couple horny guys that want to get it on.

Okay, they don't need to know that.  But I have told two friends about me.  Both are women and both love me unconditionally, and both are very happy for me.  They both live far away, one in Iowa and one in Germany.  I Skype my friend in Germany most every week, and she is always happy to say Hi to Amigo.  She now refers to him as "your boyfriend".  It sounds so very strange to me.

I've even had thoughts of "coming out" to my parents this Holiday Season, when I'm there this year.

I really don't want to, but I don't think there will be any repercussions, except that the cat will be out of the bag, so to speak, and the family will be free to gossip.

Thanks for reading....if in fact you've read this far.  Not very steamy stuff, I know.

And speaking of steamy stuff....

I have lost some of my desire for hooking up.  I still look at Craigslist and Grindr.  But, I find myself not responding to them.  I'm worried about bringing something nasty back to Amigo.  It was a risk I was willing to take when I was just on my own.

That's not to say I have been exclusive with Amigo.  I have been with two regulars since meeting Amigo.  There's another regular I would love to get with, but he's a businessman that only makes it to town once a month or so, and he didn't make it here last month.  When he comes, I'll get with him, if at all possible.

So, for now, I'm pushing my fears down.  I'm resisting the urge to fuck things up with Amigo, just to cut him loose.  I'm going to enjoy the ride, and take my lumps as they come in the future.

I just hope I don't hurt too much.

Still trouble with cummng

Good Morning Diary.

The Amigo once again is here.  He's back in bed.  I say "back" although he never really left.  He was all over me last night.  Not in a bad way, but he was curled up to me the entire night.

This morning as we were waking and drifting back to sleep, he went for my dick.  I know what he wants.

I'm plenty hard.  Morning wood helps.  We fuck for a good twenty minutes until I start to go soft and my back muscles get tired.  It feels great the entire time, and yet, the "switch" never gets flipped.

It seems totally random as to when I will cum or not cum.  There is no cause and effect.  It's just Russian Roulette with my poorly loaded gun.

It feels nice though.  Good.  Great in fact!

One advantage to not cumming is that Amigo will get fucked again this morning, and then this afternoon if that doesn't work out.

And don't worry that I'm overly concerned about HIS pleasure.  He likes it.  Loves it.  Needs it!  So I'm not worried there.  I'm focusing on me.  I want this more than him.

At least I think I do.

Update.  2 hours later, we're at it again.  At first its a failure, but I don't go totally soft so I keep trying.  We switch positions, and then, for no reason what so ever, I know it's going to happen and BAM.  We're both happy.

Frustration

Things are going pretty good with the Amigo.  Even the fucking is good, and Amigo LOVES me to fuck him.

He is now relaxed and lets me push inside, with little or no fingering or loosening up.  And I like it too.  His ass feels so nice, and it just feels great.

Why is it that my body betrays me and I don't orgasm?

I fuck and fuck and fuck, until my dick goes limp, or, if I've take 25 mg or my little blue friend, I fuck and fuck and fuck until my back muscles are just plain worn out.  And still, I do not cum.  Usually I don't even get close.

Grrrr.  So frustrating.  For both of us.

Amigo wants me to cum, so bad, and of course I want to as well.

If I look back through my history, I've had trouble with cumming, even with girls.  I lost my virginity when I was 17 with my first ever girlfriend Tina.  We used the "pull out" method the first few times, and then a pregnancy scare forced us to use condoms.  That totally killed it for me, and I even used male fantasy to help me achieve orgasm.

My last girlfriend, when I was in my late 20s, I could fuck and fuck and fuck too, and not cum.  The poor girl.  I remember her having to put a cool damp washcloth on her pussy one night, after I just kept pounding away, trying to cum.

So, yah, I know I have a problem, but I don't know how to solve it.  I guess I'll just keep trying different things.  We're both getting pleasure for sure, but it's kind of like working at a job you love, but never receiving a paycheck.

http://youtu.be/yidiSX2fwgo

Thanks for the shout-out Buddy Bear.

If you've stumbled upon my blog, from Buddy Bear's, then welcome!

The truth is, the last few posts make for dull hum-drum reading.   I've recently cut way down on hooking up, so there's been nothing too exciting to blog about.

Instead, read a couple of posts from my beginning, where hooking up was fresh and new and I was as giddy as a school girl in a candy store.  I think I'm incorrectly mixing my metaphors
here, but you get the idea.

So, use the archive to the right, and read from the beginning, or, just click here.

Thanks for stopping by.

Jack.

Me, 5 years and 10 lbs ago.  I was too
skinny anyway.  By the way, holding
one's arms  over one's head makes
one's beer belly look flat.

Dude 441. Still. More. Again.

Yes, Dude 441 is my Amigo.  My wanna be boyfriend.  The 44 year old guy asleep in the next room who actually looks more like a 33 year old.

We had a nice dinner at a nice restaurant last night, to celebrate his 44th Birthday.

He arrived Friday evening and I picked him up and we came home and fucked.  He loves to fuck.  I like it too and I think we are in sync, but dammit, I can not seem to cum.  Even when I take the 25mg of my little blue friend.   Still he loves it and last night I insisted that he cum while I fucked him.

He usually won't because he wants to wait for me, but yesterday, I convinced him to take all the pleasure, for his birthday.

Saturday morning, he emerged from the bedroom, to find me at the computer, reading my porn blogs and looking at hot young college guys doing the nasty.  He pulled me back into the bedroom and we sucked and fucked some more.  This time I could feel something inside him.  Something that hit my cockhead just right, and flipped the switch and I knew I would cum.

And cum I did.  Hard.  Really hard.

I hope I rememberd to close the window, because I was noisy.

And I totally forgot about my Amigo.  After I cummed, I simply lay on top of him, and let myself come back to earth.  I could have, I should have, rolled to the side and let him jack off, with my cock still in his ass, but the thought never even crossed my mind.   I didn't even think about it until an hour later when I was at the gym, struggling to get my routine over, because I had no energy left.

Well, I'm still learning, and there were no complaints from Amigo.

Things are going fairly well.  The biggest challenge I see ahead is me.  Is this really what I want?  Will I allow myself to enjoy it, or will I be so frightened, that I fuck it up.  On purpose or otherwise.

What a weird experiment for me.

Dear Diary..... Week 5 (ish)

So, I last blogged last Sunday Morning, before my amigo got up.

I was sort of desperate to cum, and so took my 25mg boner pill, determined to get off while fucking my new (dare I say it.....) boyfriend.

I tried and tried.  My erection didn't give out, but I did.

I'm not gonna beat myself up about it, but at the same time it's frustrating.    I've experienced it before.  Everything is great.  I couldn't imagine a better fuck experience, the pressure, the friction, it was all perfect, and yet, the switch refused to be flipped.

Amigo was also frustrated.

After the failed copulation attempt, we showered.  Together.

He said he was determined, and wanted to blow me.

Bingo.

Magic words.

It took longer than the week before, but he got the job done.  And just like the previous week, afterwards, I got him off, by sucking his dick as well.

Then we went to breakfast, did some shopping and went on a spectacular hike in the magnificent mountains and fall foliage in American Fork canyon.

Things seem to be going well.  I sent him an e-mail thanking him for holding back on the "I love you stuff" and he agreed that he appreciated the good communication.

Monday, he e-mailed me with some drama.  He'd been fired from his part time job.     I tried to be supportive, but brief.  I don't want his drama to be my drama.

Today was better.   I think he got the issue resolved and got his job back.  Honestly, his English skills sometimes are so messed up.  When we are together in person, I understand him perfectly, but his e-mails and texts are so confusing.

By the way, I want to say thank you for the recent comments and e-mails I've received.  It's new to me, and I'm still confused on what I want, what I don't want, giving up a lifestyle I've become accustomed to, and allowing someone to like, or even love me, and feeling guilty that I may be incapable of of reciprocating, even if I wanted to.

But, it feels pretty good (even though pretty scary) so, I'm going to go with it.....at least for now.

Thanks again, horn dogs, for sticking with me.

OMG Blogging in Real Time.

Well, the day is here.  It's Sunday morning, October 19.

I'm all caught up with myself.

It's early, as usual, and Amigo is asleep in my bed.

It was a pretty chilly week, last week.  Not weather-wise, but relationship-wise.  We sent a few guarded text messages to each other, and then late, after work on Thursday, I sent him a lengthy email,  I tried to be as honest as I could, and outline my thoughts and expectations.  I'd post the whole letter here, but really, who wants those details?

I did ask him how he could be in love with me after only 5 weeks.  I told him I enjoyed our time together but needed to take is slowly.  I also told him I would probably never want to get married.  I know he's wasted time before in a doomed relationship, and this may be the case again, but I am not ready to make any commitments at this point.

Much to my surprise, his attitude turned around 180 degrees!

He offered to spend the weekend again, and he's been his cheerful old self.  He's backed off of the "I love you" stuff, and now keeps telling me he really likes me.  This is a sentiment I feel like I can reciprocate.

We talked about my e-mail a bit and he thanked me, and understands.  Then we had a chat about the holidays.  I know I will be out of town for a few weeks, and assuming we are still dating, he will be alone.  I know it will be hard.  His family is in Mexico and most of his friends are students and will be going home, so he will be left alone.  He did his best to put my mind at ease.

So, a couple lessons I have learned.  Try to be honest and upfront with my feelings.  Let the chips fall where they may.  I suck at face to face communication, at least for now, but apparently I am capable of composing an articulate e-mail, so I can always fall back on that.

Since this is a hookup blog, and I haven't had many hook up stories to tell, I am losing readers.  I can understand.  I'm in new and uncharted territory, and to most of you, this kind of stuff is daily hum drum jibber-jabber.

So, I will let you in on the sexual aspect of our relationship.

I am having trouble achieving orgasm with my new amigo.  I know most of it is psychological, and I suspect it has to do with attaching intimacy with the sex, as most of my encounters for the past 6 1/2 years have been rather anonymous, or at least detached from emotion.  The forbidden and taboo nature of it all, made it more exciting.

I think it was our second or third time together that I finally cummed with Amigo.  I did it by grinding my bare dick in his butt crack.  Like many out there, the condom covered cock just doesn't have enough sensitivity to get the job done usually.

Oh, by the way, Amigo loves to get fucked.

The second time I cummed with Amigo, we had just graduated to fucking bareback, and something in his ass just tickled me in the just the right spot, and I blew my wad in his butt, then we both rolled on our side, me still docked in his ass, and he quickly blew his wad all over the fuck blanket.

(How do those small testicles hold so much damn cum???)

The third time I cummed with Amigo, was last weekend.  He gave me an amazing blow job.  Now, you all know that I love BJs.  But Amigo didn't have the stamina.  He tried several times but always got tired, and gave up.

Well, something happened last weekend.  I think he just stepped up to the plate and screwed on his determination that he was going to please me, because he stayed on task and gave me a first rate bj.  First time was in the shower, which was no easy feat, and the second time I sat in the chair and watched twink porn as he serviced me.

We've screwed three times already this weekend, and each time, felt great.  Amazing in fact, but I always fail to orgasm.  Amigo refuses to cum as well.  He wants to save it until after I cum.  I guess that's his decision, although I keep telling him I want to watch him blow as I plow him.  But, it's his orgasm, I'll let him have it his own way.

Last night, as we were settling in for a night of movie watching and snuggling on the couch, he started making out with me.   I joked and said he wanted to get fucked again.  He just kept it up, so I yanked down his pants and bent him over the couch and drilled him from behind, using some olive oil from the kitchen.   It was fun and spontaneous and I thought like I might cum this time, but alas, the big O was elusive.

Today, I'm going to take my boner pill, and I'm not going to give up until I cum or until my Amigo can't take it any more.   I know he is very interested in pleasing me, and the tangible evidence of that is my orgasm.  So, no pressure or anything.  (can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?)

For those of you still reading, thanks for following along.  I know this line of my story is inconsistent with the hookup blog you started reading some time ago.  But it's time, right?  This is an experience I need to have, and to be honest I need to share.   Right now, besides my readers, I am out to only two of my friends.  One, my best friend (female) who lives in Germany, and the other, a good friend (also female) who lives in Iowa.

If the boyfriend thing works out, I will have no choice but to widen that circle.  This is something I never envisioned when I started all of this craziness.  I have no plan for it.  It's silly to think that denial is still a viable option.

Hmmmmmm.   Sounds like more drama to come.